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Updated: June 14, 2025
Accident I call it, in compliance to a received mode of speaking but in no opposition to the opinion either of Acrites or Mythogeras in this matter; I know they were both prepossessed and fully persuaded of it and are so to this hour, That there was nothing of accident in the whole event but that the chesnut's taking that particular course, and in a manner of its own accord and then falling with all its heat directly into that one particular place, and no other was a real judgment upon Phutatorius for that filthy and obscene treatise de Concubinis retinendis, which Phutatorius had published about twenty years ago and was that identical week going to give the world a second edition of.
And Triptolemus and Phutatorius agreeing thereto, ask, How is it possible there should? for that wit and judgment in this world never go together; inasmuch as they are two operations differing from each other as wide as east from west So, says Locke so are farting and hickuping, say I. But in answer to this, Didius the great church lawyer, in his code de fartendi et illustrandi fallaciis, doth maintain and make fully appear, That an illustration is no argument nor do I maintain the wiping of a looking-glass clean to be a syllogism; but you all, may it please your worships, see the better for it so that the main good these things do is only to clarify the understanding, previous to the application of the argument itself, in order to free it from any little motes, or specks of opacular matter, which, if left swimming therein, might hinder a conception and spoil all.
But the truth was, that Phutatorius knew not one word or one syllable of what was passing but his whole thoughts and attention were taken up with a transaction which was going forwards at that very instant within the precincts of his own Galligaskins, and in a part of them, where of all others he stood most interested to watch accidents: So that notwithstanding he looked with all the attention in the world, and had gradually skrewed up every nerve and muscle in his face, to the utmost pitch the instrument would bear, in order, as it was thought, to give a sharp reply to Yorick, who sat over-against him yet, I say, was Yorick never once in any one domicile of Phutatorius's brain but the true cause of his exclamation lay at least a yard below.
This heroic cast produced him inconveniences in many respects in the present it was followed by the fixed resentment of Phutatorius, who, as Yorick had just made an end of his chesnut, rose up from his chair a second time, to let him know it which indeed he did with a smile; saying only that he would endeavour not to forget the obligation.
The genial warmth which the chesnut imparted, was not undelectable for the first twenty or five-and-twenty seconds and did no more than gently solicit Phutatorius's attention towards the part: But the heat gradually increasing, and in a few seconds more getting beyond the point of all sober pleasure, and then advancing with all speed into the regions of pain, the soul of Phutatorius, together with all his ideas, his thoughts, his attention, his imagination, judgment, resolution, deliberation, ratiocination, memory, fancy, with ten battalions of animal spirits, all tumultuously crowded down, through different defiles and circuits, to the place of danger, leaving all his upper regions, as you may imagine, as empty as my purse.
Zounds! Z...ds! cried Phutatorius, partly to himself and yet high enough to be heard and what seemed odd, 'twas uttered in a construction of look, and in a tone of voice, somewhat between that of a man in amazement and one in bodily pain.
You must be informed then, that Gastripheres, who had taken a turn into the kitchen a little before dinner, to see how things went on observing a wicker-basket of fine chesnuts standing upon the dresser, had ordered that a hundred or two of them might be roasted and sent in, as soon as dinner was over Gastripheres inforcing his orders about them, that Didius, but Phutatorius especially, were particularly fond of 'em.
With the best intelligence which all these messengers could bring him back, Phutatorius was not able to dive into the secret of what was going forwards below, nor could he make any kind of conjecture, what the devil was the matter with it: However, as he knew not what the true cause might turn out, he deemed it most prudent in the situation he was in at present, to bear it, if possible, like a Stoick; which, with the help of some wry faces and compursions of the mouth, he had certainly accomplished, had his imagination continued neuter; but the sallies of the imagination are ungovernable in things of this kind a thought instantly darted into his mind, that tho' the anguish had the sensation of glowing heat it might, notwithstanding that, be a bite as well as a burn; and if so, that possibly a Newt or an Asker, or some such detested reptile, had crept up, and was fastening his teeth the horrid idea of which, with a fresh glow of pain arising that instant from the chesnut, seized Phutatorius with a sudden panick, and in the first terrifying disorder of the passion, it threw him, as it has done the best generals upon earth, quite off his guard: the effect of which was this, that he leapt incontinently up, uttering as he rose that interjection of surprise so much descanted upon, with the aposiopestic break after it, marked thus, Z...ds which, though not strictly canonical, was still as little as any man could have said upon the occasion; and which, by-the-bye, whether canonical or not, Phutatorius could no more help than he could the cause of it.
Provided, quoth Yorick, there is no bawdry in it. They are just now, replied Phutatorius, printing off the ninth chapter which is the last chapter but one in the book. Pray what is the title of that chapter? said Yorick; making a respectful bow to Phutatorius as he spoke. I think, answered Phutatorius, 'tis that de re concubinaria. For Heaven's sake keep out of that chapter, quoth Yorick.
About two minutes before the time that my uncle Toby interrupted Yorick's harangue Gastripheres's chesnuts were brought in and as Phutatorius's fondness for 'em was uppermost in the waiter's head, he laid them directly before Phutatorius, wrapt up hot in a clean damask napkin.
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