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Updated: June 24, 2025
When he got out of th' hack last night at th' Forks, Uncle Ike he catched sight o' him an' says, says he t' me, 'Ba thundas! Lou, looky there! Talk 'bout prosperity. I'm dummed if there ain't ol' Santa Claus a comin' t' th' Forks in th' summa time. 'Ba thundas! What! "An' when Santa come in, he he wanted Now what d' you reckon he wanted? A BATH! Yes, sir-e-e. Dad burn me, 'f he didn't. A bath!
"As soon as they unlock my door, I'll come an' let ye out in the mornin'," Tunk whispered. "Are they going to lock me in?" "Wouldn't wonder," said Tunk, soberly. "What can ye 'spect from a couple o' dummed ol' maids like them?" There was a note of long suffering in his half-whispered tone, "Good night, mister," said he, with a look of dejection.
"She done got outen de paddock and nigh 'bout bus' herself wide open on de flank on dat dummed MAS-CHINE what dey trims de hedges wid. She bleeged ter bleed ter death, Joshi say." Peggy turned white. "Excuse me, please I must go as fast as I can. Home, Shashai, four bells and a jingle!" she cried and the colt swept away like a tornado, Tzaritza in the lead.
"Dummed deceivin' business," said he as he hefted 'em both. "Gittin' so ye can't hardly b'lieve the stillyards." The fifth summer was passing since we came down Paradise Road the dog, Uncle Eb and I. Times innumerable I had heard my good old friend tell the story of our coming west until its every incident was familiar to me as the alphabet.
And he had incurred another offensive diagnosis: Old Doc Purdy, the medical examiner, whose sworn testimony had years before procured the judge his pension as a Civil War veteran, became brutal about it. Said Purdy: "I had to think up some things that would get the old cuss his money and dummed if he didn't take it all serious and think he did have 'em!"
The old man died owning nothing but the house, an' that left the old lady t' rustle f'r her livin'. Dummed if she ain't sandy as old Sand. They're gitt'n' along purty " The whistle blew for brakes, and, seizing his lantern, the brakeman slammed out on the platform. "Tough night for twisting brakes," suggested Albert, when he came in again. "Yes on the freight." "Good heavens! I should say so.
An' fin'ly one morning a blue racer chased her, as the little whelps will, an' got his dummed little teeth fastened in her dress, an' she a-hyperin' around haff crazy, and a-screamin' every jump, so's't I hed to just grab her, an' hold her till I could get the blasted snake off, harmless, y' know, but got hooked teeth, an' not a lick o' sense, an' he kinder quirled around my arm, an' I nacherally tore him to ribbins a-gittin' of him off.
'But 'e hain't got no toes to give 'im the feelin' of 'is toes in 'is mind or henywheres else. 'Dummed old fool! sez the doctor, quite losin' 'is temper, fer father is terr'ble provokin'. 'It's the feelin' 'is toes used to give 'im, an' that same feelin' of toes keeps up after 'is toes is gone. 'Well, sez father, an' me tryin' to ketch 'is eye to make 'im stop, 'I don't git no feelin' of toes till me toes is 'urt.
"Every night they lock me upstairs," he continued with a look of injury; "they ain't fit fer nobody t' live with. Ain't got no hoss but that dummed ol' plug." He had forgotten his enthusiasm of the preceding moment. His intellect was a museum of freaks. Therein, Vanity was the prodigious fat man, Memory the dwarf, and Veracity the living skeleton.
"Never been sick a day 'n my life; no, sir!" he said, in his rapid, rasping, emphatic way, as they were riding across the stubble to dinner. "And by gol! I c'n stand as long at the tail of a stacker as any man, sir. Dummed if I turn my hand for any man in the State; no, sir; no, sir! But if I do two men's works, I am goin' to have two men's pay that's all, sir!"
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