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Updated: June 23, 2025
There's suthin' about a man, Mrs. Lathrop, as 'll never let him suffer in silence if there's any woman to be woke up. A man can't be a hero unless a woman stands by barefooted with a candle, an' he feels a good deal easier groanin' if he can hear her sneezin' between times. So back come Elijah right off to say as I must be up an' doin' or he'd be dead afore dawn.
There was the Major, apparently bleedin' profusely, yet not carin' a great deal, seemin' more concerned in rockin' bac'ard and forrard and sneezin'. His manner seemed to say, 'So long as you don't interfere with the innocent pleasures of a sneeze I don't care what breaks. There was Hadds rubbin' his head: there was me with my mouth open; and there was the Majoress, leanin' over the counter and smilin' a dark, mysterious smile.
Mind you, he didn't open his eyes; just sat there, covered with carmine and soothin' syrup, rockin' backward and forrard and sneezin' like George Washington. There was somethin' kind of horrible about it. Me 'n' Hadds looked on petrified. "Then, 'Oh, my poor husband! What are they doin' to you? says a v'ice behind us, and the Majoress skipped across the floor and fell on the Major.
Then, arter a bit, they done the threshin' an' was kickin' the short straw out the grain, which riz a gert dust; an' the piskeys all beginned sneezin'. An' my gran'mother, as was peepin' through the door unbeknown to 'em, forgot you must never speak to a piskey, an' sez, 'God bless 'e, hi men! 'cause that's what us allus sez if a body sneezes.
Lord, if they had only a given her a pinch of snuff, when she was full dressed and trussed, and sot her a sneezin', she'd a blowed up, and the fortin would have come twenty years sooner. "Yes, it's a family pictur, indeed, they are all family picture. They are all fine animals, but over fed and under worked. "Now it's up and take a turn in the gardens. There is some splendid flowers on that slope.
The brigadier-uncle followed. He was, so to speak, sneezin'. We thought it best to shift our moorings without attractin' attention; so we shifted. They 'ad called the cows 'ome by then.
After that he has the usual battle with his violin strings, while the audience waits patient, only exchangin' a smile now and then when Blair shows his disposition strongest. At last, though, after makin' the accompanist take two fresh starts, he's off. Some goulash rhapsody, I believe it was, by a guy whose name sounds like a sneezin' fit.
"The fact was," said he, "that we had had a fearful time of it that winter blowin' great guns an' snow nearly every night, an' what wi' heat at the fires an' cowld i' the streets, an' hot wather pourin' on us at wan minnit an' freezin' on us the nixt, a'most every man Jack of us was coughin' an' sneezin', and watherin' so bad at our eyes an' noses, that I do belave if we'd held 'em over the suction-pipes we might ha' filled the ingins without throublin' the mains at all.
'Well, who d'ye think I see to-day but th' Sultan. I tell ye I did. What is he like? He ain't much to look at a skinny little man, Osman, that ye cud sthrangle between ye'er thumb an' forefinger. He had a bad cold an' was sneezin'. He wore a hand-me-down coat. He has a wen on th' back iv his neck an' he's crosseyed. Here's a pitcher iv him. 'What, that little runt?
We wint coughin' and sneezin' an' rubbin' our eyes down into a cellar, where the lads of another ingin was at work before us wi' the hand-pumps, an', would ye belaive it? but the walls o' that cellar was lined wi' coffins! True for ye, there they was, all sizes, as thick as they could stand.
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