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Updated: May 14, 2025
"You're dead right," murmured the disciple; "but look at here: when I call on Miss Birdie, she sez, 'Mister Jasperson, or, mebbe, 'Mister Jasper, please be seated, an' let me take your hat. Naterally, boys, I take the chair she p'ints out, an' then, dog-gone it! she takes another." "Do you expect this young lady to sit down in your lap, sir?
You air, of course; but I'm not." My brother somewhat confusedly hastened to assure Jasperson that his knowledge of the sex was quite elementary, and gleaned for the most part from a profound study of light literature. The poet grinned derisively. "You ain't no tenderfoot," he said. "I reckon that what you don't know about the girls ain't worth picklin'."
And, of course, the pictures of her folks is inside. By gum! I'll give the homeliest of 'em sech a send-off as " "You will not," said Ajax. "Remember, Jasperson, that a burning black eye indicates jealousy, which you must beware of arousing.
If Jasperson had appealed to me, the elder and more experienced, I should have begged politely, but emphatically, to be excused from interference. I hold that a man and a maid must settle their love affairs without help from a third party. Ajax, unhappily, thinks otherwise. "Miss Dutton," he began, tentatively, "is aware, Jasperson, of your er passion for her?"
"Wal I didn't lie," said Jasperson defiantly; "I up and told her the truth: that you had beer for supper, and claret wine, or mebbe sherry wine, or mebbe both for dinner, and that you took a toddy when you felt like it, an' that there was champagne down cellar, an' foreign liquors in queer bottles, an' Scotch whisky, an' everything. She as't questions and I answered them like an idiot!
I tell ye, gen'lemen, I'm not put up right for love-makin'." Ajax puffed at his pipe, deep in thought. I could see that he was affected by the miscarriage of his counsels. Presently he removed the briar from his lips, and said abruptly: "Jasperson, you assert that you showed down in church. What d'you mean by that? Tell me exactly what passed."
So, mindful, of your precious reputation I don't care a hang about my own I kept in the background. Upon inquiry you'll find that it is generally conceded that I did my best to prevent what has happened. And Jasperson was foxey, too. He hung back, said he was going to join the lodge, and wouldn't indulge in anything stronger than Napa Soda. He had three rounds of that.
Edward Jasperson was speaking hurriedly into the telephone that stood by the electric typewriter on his desk. "That's right, Officer; Suite 8601, Empire State Building. I was working late, and I left the lights on in my office when I went out to get a cup of coffee. When I came back, he was here a big, bearded man, wearing a thing that looked like a monk's robe made out of gunny sack. What?
"It may be ondignified, but that there eye of hers does make me wiggle." "It's a thousand pities," said I softly, "that Miss Dutton has only one eye." Jasperson wouldn't agree with me. He replied, with ardour, that he would never have dared to raise his two blue orbs to Miss Dutton's brilliant black one, unless he had been conscious that his mistress, like himself, had suffered mutilation.
"I'll do it," exclaimed Jasperson, "I'll do it, sure!" "Has she a pretty hand?" I asked. "Has she a pretty hand!" echoed the lover, in disdainful tones, "She has the hand of a queen! The Empress of Roosia ain't got a whiter nor a finer hand! Miss Birdie ain't done no harder work than smackin' a kid that needs it." "I've heard," said I, "that she can smack hard."
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