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Updated: May 7, 2025
"This," and he held up the small case where all could see, "has inside of it th' picter of as handsum a lady as I ever seed; an' under th' picter is writ, in a woman's writin, these words: Tew my beloved husband, John Stackpole'; an' we reckoned, me an' Spike did, as how th' murdered man's name must a-ben John Stackpole.
A run at grass for my horse, an easy and comfortable wagon, and a guide so original and amusing as Mr. Slick, were either of them enough to induce my acquiescence. As soon as we had taken our seats in the wagon, he observed "We shall progress real handsum now; that 'ere horse goes etarnal fast, he near about set my axle on fire twice. He's a spanker you may depend.
Well, I'd been doin a little business there among the folks, and had jist sot off for the river, mounted on "Old Clay," arter takin a glass of Ezra's most particular handsum Jamaiky, and was trottin off pretty slick, when who should I run agin but Tim Bradley. He is a dreadful ugly cross grained critter, as you een amost ever seed, when he is about half shaved.
Well, bein' out night arter night at balls and operas, and what not, she got kinder used up and beat out, and unbeknownst to me used to take opium. Well, one night she took too much, and in the morning she was as dead as a herring. "'Did she make a pretty corpse? said Lid, lookin' very sanctimonious. 'Did she lay out handsum?
I'll ring up the handsum chamber-maid, and just fall to, and chaw her right up I'm savagerous.* 'That's cowardly, sais I, 'call the footman, pick a quarrel with him and kick him down stairs, speak but one word to him, and let that be strong enough to skin the coon arter it has killed him, the noise will wake up folks I know, and then we shall have sunthin' to eat.
Go ahead, you old clinker built villain," said he, "and show the gentleman how wonderful handSUM you can travel. Give him the real Connecticut quick step.
No soul could tell how good it was it was near about as handSUM as father's old genuine particular cider, and that you could feel tingle clean away down to the tip eends of your toes. Now, says the Major, I'll give you, Slick, a new wrinkle on your horn. Folks aint thought nothin of unless they live at Treemont: its all the go.
It wuz a fearful ordeel and I felt it so, but upheld by principle and Josiah, I moved onwards, through what seemed to be 5 great throngs and masses of people, 3 on the ground and 2 hinted up above us on tall pillows. Them immense places overhead long as the streets, wuz kinder scalloped out and trimmed off handsum with railin's, etc.
"I don't mean to say country women ain't handsum here, 'cause they be. There is no sun here; and how in natur' can it be otherways than that they have good complexions. But it tante safe to be caged with them in a house out o' town.
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