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Updated: June 19, 2025
They looked dretful dejected and onhappy as they come to this conclusion, my pardner looked as if he wuz most ready to bust out cryin'. And as I looked on his beloved linement I forgot everything else and onbeknown to me I leaned over the railin' and sez: "Here is sunthin' that no one has seemed to think on at home or abroad.
But th' customs iv th' neighbors are agin it. "But 'tis diff'rent with others, Hinnissy. Down be Mitchigan Avnoo marredge is no more bindin' thin a dhream. A short marrid life an' an onhappy wan is their motto. Off with th' old love an' on with th' new an' off with that. 'Till death us do part, says th' preacher. 'Or th' jury, whispers th' blushin' bride.
What will you? it ees always the same. The Don Gregorio have comprehend; the friends have all comprehend; in a year they will make marry. Dona Rosita she go to Monterey to see his family. There ees an English warship come there; and Rosita she ees very gay with the officers, and make the flirtation very mooch. Then Don Vincente he is onhappy, and he revenge himself to make lofe with another.
But I sticks to my moccasins; an' to-day shoes in the Bloo Grass is almost as yooniversal as the licker habit. "'Thar dawns a hour, however, when my p'sition in the van of Kaintucky ton comes within a ace of bein' ser'ously shook. It's on my way to school one dewey mornin' when I gets involved all inadvertent in a onhappy rupture with a polecat. I never does know how the misonderstandin' starts.
"'But Granger is firm that he won't; he's not inquisitive, he says, an' will stay planted right thar on the r'ar seat an' await deevelopments. With that, the onhappy stranger sport goes sorrowfully for'ard alone, an' gets into the gin-mill by the said FAMILY ENTRANCE. Granger' sets thar with his head out an' y'ears cocked lookin' an' listenin'. "'Everything's plenty quiet for a minute.
Th' truth is that a man is not onhappy because his socks ar-re not darned but because they ar-re. An' as f'r buttons on his shirt, whin th' buttons comes off a bachelor's shirt he fires it out iv th' window. His rule about clothes is thurly scientific. Th' survival iv th' fit, d'ye mind. Th' others to th' discard. No marrid man dares to wear th' plumage iv a bachelor.
Sez I, "Enjoy Jonesville while you are there and now enjoy Europe whilst you are here." Sez he, with a real sentimental look, "Oh, Jonesville, how happy I'll be if I ever see thee agin! How content, how blessed!" Sez I, "You wuzn't always happy there, Josiah; you oft-times got restless and oneasy there." "Never!" sez he, "never did I see a onhappy or a tired day there in my life." But he did.
A rough sense of justice in the community, while doubting her ability to take care of the whole fortune, suggested that she ought to be content with three hundred thousand dollars. "She's bound to throw even that away on some derned skunk of a man, natoorally; but three millions is too much to give a chap for makin' her onhappy. It's offerin' a temptation to cussedness."
"You have no Tower in America?" said a man in the crowd, who had somehow detected my denomination. "Alars! no," I anserd; "we boste of our enterprise and improovements, and yit we are devoid of a Tower. America oh my onhappy country! thou hast not got no Tower! It's a sweet Boon." The gates was opened after a while, and we all purchist tickets, and went into a waitin-room.
I asked the onhappy man what his number was, so I could redily find him in case I should want him agin, and bad him good-bye. And then I tho't what a frollicksome day I'd made of it. Respectably, &c. Artemus Ward. MR. PUNCH, My dear Sir, I was a little disapinted in not receivin a invitation to jine in the meetins of the Social Science Congress. I don't exackly see how they go on without me.
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