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Updated: June 19, 2025
"'You're lookin' for trouble, Doc, says Colonel Sterett, kind o' laughin' at Peets. 'You reminds me of a onhappy sport I encounters long ago in Looeyville. "'An' wherein does this Bloo Grass party resemble me? asks Peets. "'It's one evenin', says Colonel Sterett, 'an' a passel of us is settin' about in the Gait House bar, toyin' with our beverages.
America, oh my onhappy country! thou hast not got no Tower! It's a sweet Boon." The gates was opened after awhile, and we all purchist tickets and went into a waitin-room. "My frens," said a pale-faced little man, in black close, "this is a sad day." "Inasmuch as to how?" I said. "I mean it is sad to think that so many peple have been killed within these gloomy walls.
"So this poor way-worn sowl, afther thryin' ivry other rimidy fr'm dhrivin' a coach to failin' to vote, at las' sought out th' rile high clark iv th' coort an' says he: 'Behold, he says, 'an onhappy man, he says. 'With millyons in me pocket, two hotels an' onlimited credit, 'he says, 'me hear-rt is gray, he says. 'Poor sowl, says th' clark iv th' coort, 'What's ailin' ye'? he says.
'We done it to make th' Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth have ordhered ink wells made in th' shape iv decanters. But, he says, 'th' popylar branch iv th' Naytional Ligislachure is not to be outdone. Ye see these panels on th' wall? I touch a button an' out pops a bottle iv Bourbon that wud make ye'er eyes dance. Whoop-ee!
"And who, let me ask, is this Paladin of chivalry?" I inquired, derisively. "Give me his name, that I may consider the subject well and thoroughly before we meet at last." "Excuse me if I refuse to give the name of eider of dese gentlemen at dis onhappy season," he rejoined.
A woman who really loves anything has the makin' of a first-class martyr in her. And though she may not be ever tied to a stake, and gridirons be fur removed from her, still she has a sort of a silent hankerin' or aptitude for martrydom. That is, she would fur ruther be onhappy herself than to have the beloved object wretched.
"'An' you-all can put down a bet, returns Ugly Collins, 'I learns of your ill-health with regrets. It's this a-way: I ain't had no exercise yet this evenin'; an' as I tracks in yere, I registers a vow to wallop the first gent I meets up with to whom I've not been introdooced ; merely by way of stretchin' my muscles. Now I must say an' I admits it with sorrow that you-all is that onhappy sport.
I don't know as we do, by the way, tho' we gen'rally get out of his way pretty rapid; prob'ly on account of the pity which tears our boosums for his onhappy condition. This last remark is a sirkastic and witherin' thrust at them blotid peple who live in gilded saloons. I tho't I'd explain my meanin' to you. I frekently have to explain the meanin' of my remarks.
For myse'f I concedes now, though I sort o' smothers my feelin's on that p'int at the time, seein' we-all could look right over into the state of Ohio, said state bein' heatedly inimical to rebellion an' pawin' for trouble an' rappin' its horns ag'in the trees at the mere idee; for myse'f, I say, I now concedes that I was heart an' soul with the South in them onhappy ruptures.
'Yes, says th' Englishman, 'I pro-pose f'r to thruly rayform this onhappy counthry, he says. 'This benighted haythen on me exthreme left has been injooced to cut out a good dale iv his wife's business, he says, 'an' go through life torminted be on'y wan spouse, he says. 'Th' r-rest will go to wurruk f'r me, he says.
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