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Updated: June 7, 2025
Cripplestraw opened the hurdle which closed the arch under the portico gateway, and Festus passed under, Uncle Benjamin singing, Twen-ty-three and a half from N.W. with a sort of sublime ecstasy, feeling, as Festus had observed, that his money was safe, and that the French would not personally molest an old man in such a ragged, mildewed coat as that he wore, which he had taken the precaution to borrow from a scarecrow in one of his fields for the purpose.
I wish I wasn't no more afraid of the French than you be; but being in the Locals, Maister Derriman, I assure ye I dream of having to defend my country every night; and I don't like the dream at all. 'You should take it careless, Cripplestraw, as I do; and 'twould soon come natural to you not to mind it at all. Well, a fine fellow is not everything, you know. O no.
Thank God, my duty as a Local don't require me to go to the front, but only the valiant men like my master. Ah, if Boney could only see 'ee now, sir, he'd know too well there is nothing to be got from such a determined skilful officer but blows and musket-balls! 'Yes, yes. Cripplestraw, if I ride off to Budmouth and meet 'em, all my training will be lost. No skill is required as a forlorn hope.
'How very shocking! said Anne, painfully anxious for him to leave off. 'O, it don't hurt him, bless ye. Do it, corpel? said Cripplestraw. 'Not a bit, said the corporal, still working his arm with great energy. 'There's no life in the bones at all. No life in 'em, I tell her, corpel! 'None at all. 'They be as loose as a bag of ninepins, explained Cripplestraw in continuation.
Of course I would not hide in any mean sense; no, not I! 'If you be in love, 'tis plain you may, since it is not your own life, but another's, that you are concerned for, and you only save your own because it can't be helped. ''Tis true, Cripplestraw, in a sense. But will it be understood that way? Will they see it as a brave hiding?
'Front! That's what my uncle has been saying. 'Yes, and by all accounts 'tis true. And naterelly they'll be mowed down like grass; and you among 'em, poor young galliant officer! 'Look here, Cripplestraw. This is a reg'lar foolish report. How can yeomanry be put in front? Nobody's put in front. We yeomanry have nothing to do with Buonaparte's landing.
Festus strode along till he reached the Hall, where Cripplestraw appeared gazing at him from under the arch of the porter's lodge. Derriman dashed open the entrance-hurdle with such violence that the whole row of them fell flat in the mud. 'Mercy, Maister Festus! said Cripplestraw.
Do people talk about me here, Cripplestraw? asked the yeoman, as the other continued busy with his boots. 'Well, yes, sir; they do off and on, you know. They says you be as fine a piece of calvery flesh and bones as was ever growed on fallow-ground; in short, all owns that you be a fine fellow, sir.
And, mind, if your masters won't let ye leave work soon enough, tell me, and I'll write a line to Gover'ment! 'Tention! To the right left wheel, I mean no, no right wheel. Mar r r rch! Some wheeled to the right and some to the left, and some obliging men, including Cripplestraw, tried to wheel both ways. 'Stop, stop; try again!
'Please, sir, 'tis Anthony Cripplestraw, wanting to know how he's to bite off his katridge, when he haven't a tooth left in 's head? 'Man! Why, what's your genius for war? Hold it up to your right-hand man's mouth, to be sure, and let him nip it off for ye. Well, what have you to say, Private Tremlett? Don't ye understand English?
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