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Updated: June 10, 2025
"Here at least, Jack, is a new hold that society has on you, whatever hold you may have on society." "Lady Goldencalf would not have an awkward sound after all, dearest Anna." "As applied to one, Sir John, it might possibly do; but not as applied to a hundred." Anna laughed, blushed, burst into tears once more, and again fled.
He arose and paced the room for several minutes in silence; during which time his companion believed he was debating with himself on the chances of obtaining a higher bid for his consent, when he suddenly stopped and addressed my ancestor in a mild but steady tone. "I feel it to be a duty, Mr. Goldencalf," he said, "to admonish you of the precipice over which you hang.
It read as follows: "The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatterino, lord of the bed-chamber in waiting on his majesty, informs Master John Goldencalf, clerk, that he is commanded to attend the drawing-room, this evening, when the nuptial ceremony will take place between the Earl of Chatterino and the Lady Chatterissa, the first maid of honor to Her Majesty the Queen.
"You should remember, dear Goldencalf, that this is a subject on which I know but little. It ought to be sufficient for us that we find things as they are; if change is actually necessary, we should endeavor to effect it with prudence and a proper regard to justice." Anna, while kindly leading me back from my speculations, looked both anxious and pained.
"No, never! 'tis quite impossible 'tis more than impossible!" exclaimed the bystanders, all shaking their heads. "And the late Mr. Goldencalf, too, intimate with most of the substantial names on 'Change, and particularly with Sir Joseph Job!" added another. Sir Joseph Job nodded his head, smiled, stroked his chin, and stood waiting for my reply.
"Anna," I said, after seating myself and taking a cup of tea from fingers that were rosy as the morn, "I fear you are the greatest enemy that I have on earth." "John Goldencalf!" exclaimed the startled girl, turning pale and then flushing violently. "Pray explain yourself." "I love you to my heart's core could marry you, and then, I fear, worship you, as man never before worshipped woman."
"This is a new idee, Sir Goldencalf " "Sir John Goldencalf, if you please, sir." "A new idee, Sir John Goldencalf, and it needs circumspection. Circumspection in a bargain is the certain way to steer clear of misunderstandings. You wish a navigator to take your craft, let her be what she will, into unknown seas, and I wish, naturally, to make a straight course for Stunin'tun.
"How, Goldencalf!" he cried in surprise, "you in Leaphigh! This is indeed an unexpected satisfaction; for it will now be in my power to prove some of the facts that I am telling my friends, by actual observation. Here are two of the humans, gents, of whom I was but this moment giving you some account "
"Personally appeared before me, John Equity, justice of the peace, Peter Veracious, etc., etc., who, being duly sworn upon the Holy Evangelists, doth depose and say, viz.: That he was intimately acquainted with one John Goldencalf in his native country, and that he is personally knowing to the fact that he, the said John Goldencalf, has three wives, seven illegitimate children, is moreover a bankrupt without character, and that he was obliged to emigrate in consequence of having stolen a sheep."
Goldencalf, and only wish to God there was more of it in the world. But you can count on our friendship, sir. What you have just remarked is true, very true, only too true, true to a hair-a-a-a I mean, my dear Mr. Goldencalf, most especially those sentiments of mine which-a-a-a-I say it, before God, without vanity but which, as you have so very ably intimated, are so truly proper and English."
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