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And that night, sore and aching at heart, longing beneath the whisky madness to sob out all his penitence and misery into her ear, with her hair over his face, her arms around him, he raved at her all the foul things he could think, in sheer self-excuse. She had been to bed for hours.
He was going toward the house in Seventy-second Street when she was coming away from it. Seizing the opportunity of a few words in private, he had turned to stroll back with her. "I didn't expect you to be here as Herbert Strange," she said, as though in self-excuse. "I had to give you a name that was like my own, when I was writing letters about your ticket, and sending checks.
Undoubtedly, passion and ambition were natively stronger in the countenance than reason, conscience, and general sympathy, an observation best felt to be true when the face was compared in imagination with the faces of some of the world's chief benefactors; but culture, native urbanity, and a powerful reflective tendency had evidently so wrought, that, though conscience might be imperilled frequently by great adroitness in the casuistry of self-excuse, justice could not be consciously opposed for any length of time without powerful silent reaction.
"You've had a slight fogginess of the voice all summer." "It's this sea air," she eagerly protested. "It affects everyone." "No self-excuse, please," interrupted he. "Cigarettes, champagne, all kinds of foolish food, an impaired digestion that's the truth, and you know it." "I've got splendid digestion! I can eat anything!" she cried. "Oh, you don't know the first thing about singing.
She shrank and shuddered; yet "It's altogether his own fault that I feel this way toward him as he lies dying," she said to herself, resorting to human nature's unfailing, universally sought comforter in all trying circumstances self-excuse. "He always was cold and hard. He has become a monster. And even in his best days he wasn't worthy to have such a woman as I am.
At least she had fulfilled all the unspoken promises, so much more important than vows put into words could be, with which she had married him. A remorseful feeling came over his mind, and instantly followed the instinctive self-excuse that she could never suffer as keenly as he suffered, no matter how greatly he disappointed her.
Munday, because the old lady had been fond of her and had shown it, had been of more service to her, more a companion, had been nearer to her than her own mother. In self-excuse she recalled the two or three occasions when she had tried to win her mother. But fate seemed to have decreed that their moods should never correspond.
Then, in that rapidity with which the human heart, once seizing upon self-excuse, reviews, one after one, the fair apologies, the earl passed from the injury to himself to the mal-government of his land, and muttered over the thousand instances of cruelty and misrule which rose to his remembrance, forgetting, alas, or steeling himself to the memory, that till Edward's vices had assailed his own hearth and honour, he had been contented with lamenting them, he had not ventured to chastise.
For in me there is a presentiment that before the living juice within that bosom shall have borne fruit, it will have become dried up. Presently, in a tone almost of self-excuse, and one wherein the words sound a little sadly, she continues: "Times there are when something comes pouring into my soul which makes my breasts ache with the pain of it.
The night my oldest child died I was editor of a country newspaper I wrote my leaders as usual. I never had written better. You can be absolute master inside, if you will. You can learn to use your feelings when they're helpful and to shut them off when they hinder." "But don't you think that temperament " "Temperament that's one of the subtlest forms of self-excuse. However, the place is yours.
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