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Updated: May 8, 2025
Say, I'd give two years off of my next sentence if I could cross my legs for five or ten minutes. This is gettin' worse and worse all the " "You might try putting your left foot in the right hand drawer and your right foot in the other one," suggested Mr. Yollop. Mr. Smilk stared. "I've seen a lot of kidders in my time, but you certainly got 'em all skinned to death," said he. Mr.
"Nobody would take the name of Cassius in vain, I am sure. As a sensible, discriminating thief, you would not deliberately steal a name like Cassius, now would you?" "Well, you see, they call me Cash for short," explained Smilk. "That's something I can steal with a clear conscience." "I perceive you are recovering your wits, Mr. Smilk. You appear to be a most ingenuous rogue.
Have you ever tried writing the book for a musical comedy?" "A what?" "A musical comedy. A forty-legged thing you see on Broadway." Mr. Smilk pondered. "No, sir," he replied, allowing himself a prideful leer; "if I do say it as shouldn't, I'm an honest thief." "Bless my soul," cried Mr. Yollop delightedly; "you get brighter every minute.
Smilk sank sullenly back against the wall, apparently resolved not to budge: "I'm going to count three, Cassius. If you are not on your feet at the end of the count, I shall be obliged to do the telephoning myself." "That suits me," said Cassius grimly. "Do you object to the smell of powder?" "Huh?"
"Are you thinkin' of askin' me if I'll have something to drink?" inquired Mr. Smilk craftily. "What has that to do with it?" "A lot," said Mr. Smilk, with decision. "Do you approve of prohibition?" "I do," said the rogue. "In moderation." "Well, as soon as the police arrive I'll open a bottle of Scotch. In the meantime go ahead with your very illuminating dissertation.
Which are you? That's what's eatin' me." "I'm both," said Mr. Yollop, picking up the revolver. "That ain't possible," said Mr. Smilk. "Oh, yes, it is. I'm a milliner, Cassius." "I know you're a millionaire, but that don't, " "I said milliner." "Run a mill of some kind?" "No, I make hats for women." As the incredulous burglar opened his mouth to say something the buzzer on the door sounded.
"I never had but one name for him, and it's something I wouldn't call you for anything in the world," said Smilk. "Let's make it Bill. You ain't goin' to do what she asks, are you? You ain't goin' to do a dirty trick like that are you, Bill?" "I thought I would come down and talk the matter over with you, Cash. I'm in quite a dilemma.
The mere fact that the five officers swore that Smilk was healthy and rugged no doubt went a long way toward convincing the jury that the poor fellow was a physical wreck and absolutely unable to defend himself on the night of the alleged burglary. Moreover, a skilled mind-reader would have discovered that Mr. Yollop had not made a good impression on the jury.
"Just as soon as the trial is over and I get my sentence, I'll send a pal of mine around to you with a note and you can turn it over to him. All I'm after, is to keep some lawyer from gettin' " "What would you say, Cassius, if I were to tell you that I am a lawyer?" "I'd say you're a darned fool to confess when you don't have to," replied Mr. Smilk succinctly. Mr. Yollop chuckled.
The State: "How many children have you, Mrs. Smilk?" Mrs. Smilk: "Seven." The State: "The defendant is the father of all of them?" Mrs. Smilk, with dignity: "Are you tryin' to insinuate that he ain't?" The State: "Not at all. Answer the question, please." Mrs. Smilk: "Yes, he is." The State: "When did you say you were married to the defendant?" Mrs. Smilk: "October, 1906.
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