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Updated: May 21, 2025
To have gratified the senses, to have tasted the superficial delights of life, to have yielded to the tug of desire, leaves little in the way of satisfaction behind; but to have done something worthy, to have lived nobly, even to have fought and failed, is a lasting honor and joy. What are the evils in undue self-repression? Asceticism, like self-indulgence, is selfish.
She seemed, in fact, under a shell of self-control, to conceal an inner light, like a dimly burning dark-lantern. Her expression was dumb. She moved about like a deaf-mute. Indeed, her stillness and stony self-repression were extraordinary. A youth rose from a chair near the stove and greeted Hugh as he entered. "Hullo," he said. "How many did you get?"
"No," she flashed at him scornfully, lifting her head, but again she dropped it brokenly on her arms. "I'm afraid of myself," she cried, suffering causing her to break down those barriers of self-repression which she usually erected between herself and everyone about her. "I'm afraid of myself, because I love him. Yes, I do. I love him just as much as ever and I hate him, hate him, hate him."
She turned back on the threshold of the kitchen door through which her work had been taking her to and fro during Garth's outbreak. Her voice was monotonous and smothered; it had its share in her unnatural self-repression. "Why don't you tell him to be quiet, Pete?
He was of sturdy, athletic build and dressed neatly in a suit that was of coarse material but well brushed and cared for. Beth thought his appearance pleasing and manly. Kenneth decided that he was ill at ease and in a state of dogged self-repression. "We have heard something of your story," said Kenneth, "and are interested in it. But there is no doubt you have acted very foolishly."
Not a word of sympathy, not a word of sorrow. That vindictive answer, and nothing more. We started for Sydenham. From time to time, I looked at Oscar sitting opposite to me, to see if any change appeared in him as we drew nearer and nearer to the place in which Lucilla was now living. No! Still the same ominous silence, the same unnatural self-repression possessed him.
Dinah gave a start as Vincent entered, but with the habitual self-repression of a slave, she stood quietly in the corner to which she had withdrawn at the other end of the room. The lawyer was busy drawing up a document, and, touching a bell, ordered a clerk to go across to Mr. Rawlins, justice of the peace, and ask him to step across the road. In a minute Mr. Rawlins entered.
And then it was in the blessed privacy of her own room, with the door locked and the shades drawn close, with her wedding finery thrown aside and the need of self-repression no longer imperative that, as she sat in a low chair before the fire, she looked, for the first time, boldly at Life and, for the first time, knew that she was a woman knew that womanhood was not a matter of long skirts, of hair dressing, and the putting away of dolls.
These persons were conspicuous examples of the best social product of Quaker Hill. They were not famous, nor great. Their philosophy was one of self-repression and required them to reduce their lives and those of other men to mediocrity. Quaker Hill taught and practiced the prevention of pauperism and the prevention of genius! The ideals of the place discouraged higher education.
Her natural impulse had been to turn upon them and give them the tongue-lashing they deserved. But she had lived too long with Elsa not to have learned self-repression, and that the victory is always with those who stoop not to answer. Nevertheless, she was alarmed. Elsa must be warned.
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