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Updated: June 27, 2025
"The wu'st case o' 'nebr'ancy this State 's ever known," said Captain Dan Kirtland, "was a man up to Callis jail, 't had been 'bleedged to take a spree on 'lemon extract; he sot fire t' everything he could lay his hand to." "Look a' that, will ye?" said Captain Pharo to the haughty Washingtonian; "yit you don't know nothin' 'bout ructions.
"How do you feel now, eatin' Miss Lester's turnover, after what you've been and said?" said his wife. "What'd I say?" said the captain boldly, immersed in the joys of his blueberry pie; for a primitive, a generic appetite attaches to this region: one is always hungry; no sooner has one eaten than he is wholesomely hungry again. "Do you want me to tell what you said, Cap'n Pharo Kobbe?"
Ye're poorin' away every minute ye're settin' there; ye hain't hauled yerself over but two yit." "By clam! Coffin, sure as I'm a livin' man, I've hauled myself over fourteen," said Captain Pharo seriously. "Come, come, major; ye're fadin' away to a shadder. Ye hain't hauled yerself over nothin' yet." "Oh, I have," I rejoined, with urgent truth and unction.
But an unexpected formidable dilemma arose when Captain Pharo, braced up to such a degree by his dinner and his pipe, declared that "He didn't know as he should be took to any dagarrier's, after all! Tide and wind both serve f'r a fa'r sail home," said he, "and I'm a-goin'." "Not till we've been to a tobacconist's," said I, "anyway." I purchased a quantity of smoking tobacco.
'Pharo, says he, 'thar 's too much friction in her. So, by clam! he took out most of her insides and laid 'em by, and poured some ile over what they was left, and thar' she stands! She couldn't tick to save her void and 'tarnal emptiness. 'Forced-to-go never gits far, says Leezur, he says 'ye know."
"Dodrabbit ye, Pharo!" said Uncle Coffin, wirily folding his powerful arms; "keep yer seat, Pharo, and keep yer pipe. Ef any man from Boston, or any other man, wants ter take the pipe outer my mouth, or outer Pharo Kobbe's mouth, let 'im come on an' try it!"
"Hello! why, here she is a-layin' right on the sofy," said he, in a tone of forlorn acquiescence that could never have recommended him to the footlights, especially as this remark antedated, by some anxious breathings on my part, the sheepish and bungling withdrawal of his pipe from his pocket. "Captain Pharo Kobbe," said his wife, regarding him, "ain't you a smart one!"
We heard Captain Pharo groan silently; moreover, his pipe had gone out, and he dared not relight it. "I thought you was goin' to tell a new one about the Sacred Cow?" said Miss Pray. "So I will, Jane," said Pershal; "but the fact is, it 's sech a true, sech a solemn an' myster'ous thing, that I fa'rly dread to tackle it!" Belle O'Neill would have gasped, had she dared.
"Say! come to have your pictures took?" bawled the first merry fellow, as the height of sarcasm and quintessence of a joke. "Look a' here, major," almost wept poor Captain Pharo, "how in thunder 'd they find that out?" "Never mind," said I; "we're going up to the hotel, and we'll have a better dinner than they ever dreamed of." "Afore I'm took to the dagarrier's?" "Yes, indeed."
I suppose you do everything that is Royal except touching for the Evil, which would be the most useful fleuron of the Crown if it was effectual. Storer was out of spirits yesterday at dinner, and I found out afterwards that he had been losing, like a simple boy, his money at Charles's and Richard's damned Pharo bank, which swallows up everybody's cash that comes to Brooks's, as I am told.
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