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Updated: May 7, 2025
"Now, donkey," said Daggles, aiding his benevolent advice with a kick that made it nearly superfluous, "get down them kitchen stairs and learn pitch-and-toss, for you haven't brains enough for any thing else and recollect, you owes me a sovereign; half from master for telling, and half from the long-backed Ticket for keeping mum.
Several humble pedestrians stepped off the pavement on to the dirty causeway to give him room. Daggles drew up, Snipe slunk back to hold the door, and Mr Pitskiver retired from the eyes of men, and entered his own hall, followed by his retainers. "If you please, sir," said Snipe, "I have a letter for Miss Sophiar." "Then don't you think you had better give it her?" replied Mr Pitskiver.
"Oh! but we must get home. We have been out a long time." And so saying, she led the way up the steps by the Duke of York's column, followed by her sister and her swain and attended at a respectful distance by a tall gentleman with an immense gold-headed walking-stick, displaying nether integuments of the brightest red, and white silk stockings of unexampled purity. The reader, if he had heard the various whispered allusions to different dishes, such as "sheep's head," "calf's foot jelly," "rhubarb tart," and "toasted cheese," would have been at no loss to recognise the indignant Daggles, whose culinary vocabulary it seemed impossible to exhaust. He followed, watching every motion of the happy couples. "Well, if this ain't too bad! I've a great mind to tell old Pits how them disgusting saussingers runs after his mince-pies meets 'em in the Park; gallivants with them under the trees as if they was ortolans and beccaficas; bills and coos with 'em as if they was real turtles and punch
"A gentleman has been here, and left you this," replied the Mercury, holding out the note. "He said something about giving me a guinea; but I wasn't to let any body see." "It is his hand I know it!" cried Miss Sophia, and hurried up stairs to her own room. "You donkey!" growled Mr Daggles, who had overheard Snipe's proceedings; "you've done me out of another ten shillings.
Not that Mr Daggles for such was the philosophical footman's name saw any resemblance between his master, Mr Pitskiver, and a dish of boiled mutton and turnips, or between the beautiful young lady opposite and the breast of a pheasant; but that, to his finely constituted mind, those dishes shadowed forth the relative degrees in aristocracy which Mr Pitskiver and the young lady occupied.
"Now, look at this old covey twig his shorts and long gaiters: he's some old Suffolk squire, has grown too fat for harriers, and goes out with the greyhounds twice a-week a truly respectable member of society" continued Mr Daggles with a sneer, when the subject of his lecture had passed on "reg'lar boiled beef and greens."
"He ain't so fat as our Mr Pitskiver," replied Snipe; "I thinks I never see no gentleman with so broad a back; except p'raps a prize ox." "You should get a set of harrows to clean his Chesterfield with, instead of a brush it's more like a field than a coat," said Daggles. "But look here here comes a ticket!"
And while Mr Pitskiver, still panting from his exertions, related to his daughters and their enchanted partners his grounds for anger at the attempt to impose Miss Hendy on him instead of a statue, Mr Daggles shut the front door in great exultation as the last of the intruders vanished, and said "Snipe, old Pits may do after all.
Before he had proceeded ten yards, and just when Mr Daggles had fixed in his own mind on the particular effort of culinary skill suggested by his appearance, the ticket turned quickly round and darted up the steps. Snipe stepped forward in some alarm. "Your master's not at home," said the Ticket; "but the ladies" "Is all out in the featon, sir."
"No indeed, papa; he never wrote a line in his life," said Sophia. "Then he may have you if he likes." "Nor I, except in the ledger," modestly observed Mr Bill Whalley. "Then take Emily with all my heart. Here, Daggles," he continue, ringing the bell, "open the street-door, and show these parties out!"
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