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Updated: June 18, 2025
"Mabel, me boy," whispered the old man, swaying gently as he attempted to fix his eyes upon the other's face, "I want to ash you a delicate question: where ish the ladies? I haven't sheen a woman in four hours, Mabel! Think of that and in a town full of the pretties' women in thish state. What does it mean? Thash what I want to ash you. I'm famished, I'm thirshty, for the shight of a pretty face!"
"Thash quite sh'factory," he said, with dignity. "Nothing more to say." "Or a better idea," said Jimmy. "I'll carve a big J on the inside of the front door. Then, anybody who likes can make inquiries next day. Well, I'm off home. Glad it's all settled. Anybody coming my way?" "Yes," said Arthur Mifflin. "We'll walk. First nights always make me as jumpy as a cat.
Knew me by by my eyesh." "How touching!" says I. "That must have been during the clinch." "Yes," says Ernie. "But nexsh time " "Say," I breaks in, "if you don't know what her name is, or where she lives, how do you figure on a next time?" "Thash so," says Ernie. "Too bad." "Still," says I, "the kiss stringency in your young career has been lifted, hasn't it?
Where were you, and what did you do?" asked Carroll easily. "Hu! Got drunk, thash what I did. Can't you see? I'm drunk yet, but I don't care! Ha! Had one swell time, thash what I did! One whale of a good time! It was some night a wet night believe me a wet night awful wet. Never had so mush fun never! We got ole Doc Harrison stewed to the gills hones' we did stewed like like prunes apricots! Ho!
He reeled a little, and Gilbert caught hold of him again. "I woul'n be a young chap," he muttered, "not for ... not for nothink. You ... you're a young chap, ain't you? Yesh you are! You needn't tell me you ain't! I can see as wellsh anythink! You're a young chap ri' enough. Well ... well, Gawd, 'elp you, young feller! Thash all I got to sy ... subjec! Goo-ni', gen'lemen!"
When he could think of nothing else to say he would exclaim, "Yee-ee-ow! Thash way I feel." For two hours they drank steadily. Vandover was in a dreadful condition; the Dummy got so drunk that he could talk, a peculiarity which at times had been known to occur to him. As will sometimes happen, Geary sobered up a little and at the "Grotto" bathed his head and face in the washroom.
Hossish ain't frightened! On'y ran away four timesh comin' here. Oh, no! Nobody's frightened. Every thin's all ri'. Ain't it, Bill?" he said, addressing the driver. "On'y been overboard twish; knocked down a hatchway once. Thash nothin'! On'y two men unner doctor's han's at Stockton. Thash nothin'! Six hunner dollarsh cover all dammish."
The answer, starting low, ascended a shrill scale: "Wash it? Wash it? Wash it?" "Silence!" Mr. Marrapit answered. "Descend!" He craned upwards. The curl-papered head of Mrs. Major poked at him over the banisters. "Darling," breathed Mrs. Major. "Darling um!" "Mrs. Major! What is this?" "Thash what I want to know," said Mrs. Major coquettishly. "Wash it? Wash ish it?" "You are distraught, Mrs.
"I'm shorry," he said, "to be thish con ... condish'n, gemmem, but y'see it's like this. A gemman said to me, y'see, 'Bert, 'e says ... thash my name ... Bert, called after Queen's 'usban' ... Gaw' bless 'er!... Alber' the Goo' they called 'im ... not me, oh, Lor' no!... thish gemmam, 'e says to me, 'Bert, 'e says, 'come an' 'ave one! an' so o' course I 'ad to 'ave one. Thash 'ow 'twas, see!
Drink to op'nin' gloryus Pac'fic 'ic Railway. Thash it. Hooray!" Thus he came reeling down the aisle, thrusting his bottle right and left, to be denied with shrinkings or with bluff excuses. It seemed inevitable that he should reach us.
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