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Updated: June 28, 2025
The judge says: 'Ye're an old offender an' I'll have to make an example iv ye. Twinty-nine millyon dollars or fifty-eight millyon days. Call th' next case, Misther Clerk. "Did he pay th' fine? He did not. Iv coorse he cud if he wanted to. He wuddent have to pawn annything to get th' money, ye can bet on that.
As himsilf an' Uncle Mike Miles, an' Cousin Hennery Miles, an' Master Miles, aged eight years, dismounted fr'm th' specyal train, they were received with wild cheers be eight millyon iv th' bravest sojers that iver give up their lives f'r their counthry.
I had just won thirty millyon dollars fr'm him throwin' dice, an' he remarked to me 'I bet it's hot in Chicago. But about eight thirty, th' wind, which had been blowin' acrost th' brick-yard, changed into th' northeast an' I moved back to Newpoort." "Ar-re ye crazy fr'm th' heat?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "Divvle th' bit," said Mr.
"It's thrue, though," said Mr. Dooley. "Twinty-nine millyon dollars. Divvle th' cent less. I can't exactly make out what th' charge was that they arrested him on, but th' gin'ral idee is that Jawn D. was goin' around loaded up to th' guards with Standard Ile, exceedin' th' speed limit in acquirin' money, an' singin' 'A charge to keep I have' till th' neighbors cud stand it no longer.
Hinnissy, an' not be standin' there lookin' like a Chinny-man in a sthreet-car." "I don't know what ye mean," said Mr. Hennessy, softly. "Lord Charles Beresford is a sort iv advance agent iv th' White Man's Burden Thrajeedy Company, two little Evas, four hundherd millyon Topsies, six hundherd millyon Uncle Toms. He's billin' the' counthry f'r th' threeyumphial tour iv th' Monsther Aggregation.
They are eight thousan' iv thim islands, with a popylation iv wan hundherd millyon naked savages; an' me bedroom's crowded now with me an' th' bed. How can I take thim in, an' how on earth am I goin' to cover th' nakedness iv thim savages with me wan shoot iv clothes? An' yet 'twud break me heart to think iv givin' people I niver see or heerd tell iv back to other people I don't know.
A decree iv th' coort has got to be pretty vinrable befure I do more thin greet it with a pleasant smile. "Me idee was whin I read about Jawn D's fine that he'd settle at wanst, payin' twinty-eight millyon dollars in millyon dollar bills an' th' other millyon in chicken-feed like ten thousand dollar bills just to annoy th' clerk. But I ought to've known betther.
Th' same afthernoon th' reg'lar cavalry, con-sistin' iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' well-mounted men, was loaded aboord th' tug Lucy J., and departed on their earned iv death amidst th' cheers iv eight millyon sojers left behind at Chickamaha.
Th' foreigner pays th' tax, annyhow." "He does" said Mr. Dooley, "if he ain't turned back at Castle Garden." "That was a splendid fine they soaked Jawn D. with," said Mr. Dooley. "What did they give him?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Twinty-nine millyon dollars," said Mr. Dooley. "Oh, great!" said Mr. Hennessy. "That's a grand fine. It's a gorjous fine. I can't hardly believe it."
Th' sicrety iv state is settin' in his office feelin' blue because he's just heerd be a specyal corryspondint iv th' London Daily Pail at Sydney, Austhreelya, who had it fr'm a slatewriter in Duluth that an ar- rmy iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' millyon an' sivinty-five bloodthirsty Chinee, ar-rmed with flatirnes an' cryin', 'Bung Loo! which means, Hinnissy, 'Kill th' foreign divvles, dhrive out th' missionries, an' set up in Chiny a gover'mint f'r the Chinee, is marchin' on Vladivostook in Siberyia, not far fr'm Tinsin."
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