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Updated: June 23, 2025
What with my grandfather and the parrot, and Mrs Handycock wondering how much money her husband had lost, running to the head of the stairs and talking to the cook, the day passed away pretty well till four o'clock; when, as before, Mrs Handycock screamed, the cook screamed, the parrot screamed, and Mr Handycock rapped at the door, and was let in but not by me.
"Oh! so you've found me out, Mr Simple my lord, I ought to say. Well, I need not ask after your grandfather now, for I know he's dead; but as I was coming this way for orders, I thought I would just step in and see how you looked." "I trust Mr Handycock is well, ma'am. Pray is he a bull or a bear?"
Mrs Handycock was a little meagre woman, who did not speak very good English, and who appeared to me to employ the major part of her time in bawling out from the top of the stairs to the servants below. I never saw her either read a book or occupy herself with needlework, during the whole time I was in the house.
"And yet," continued Mrs Trotter, "when I think of the time when we used to live in London, and keep our carriage. Have you ever been in London, Mr Simple?" I answered that I had. "Then, probably, you may have been acquainted with, or have heard of, the Smiths?" I replied that the only people that I knew there were a Mr and Mrs Handycock.
Since we've looked up a little in the world, I saved up five guineas, by hook or by crook, and tried to get Poll back again, but the lady said she wouldn't take fifty guineas for him." Mrs Handycock then jumped from her chair, saying, "Good morning, my lord; I'll leave one of Mr Handycock's cards. Jemima would be so glad to see you."
Before I had been there ten minutes, she told me that she "hadored sailors they were the defendiours and preserviours of their kings and countries," and that "Mr Handycock would be home by four o'clock, and then we should go to dinner." Then she jumped off her chair to bawl to the cook from the head of the stairs "Jemima, Jemima! ve'll ha'e the viting biled instead of fried."
"It's not worth halving," observed the gentleman, in a surly tone, taking up the fish with his own knife and fork, and putting it on his plate. "Well, I'm so glad you like them, my dear," replied the lady meekly; then turning to me, "there's some nice roast weal coming, my dear." The veal made its appearance, and fortunately for us Mr Handycock could not devour it all.
Mr Simple, how do you do? I hope you have passed the morning agreeably. I must wash my hands and change my boots, my love; I am not fit to sit down to table with you in this pickle. Well, Polly, how are you?" "I'm glad you're hungry, my dear, I've such a nice dinner for you," replied the wife, all smiles. "Jemima, be quick, and dish up Mr Handycock is so hungry."
One of the linendrapers who fitted out cadets, etcetera, "on the shortest notice," was sent for, and orders given for my equipment, which Mr Handycock insisted should be ready on the day afterwards, or the articles would be left on his hands; adding, that my place was already taken in the Portsmouth coach.
"Lord bless you, Mr Simple, my lord, I should say, he's been neither bull nor bear for this three years. He was obliged to waddle. If I didn't know much about bulls and bears, I know very well what a lame duck is, to my cost. We're off the Stock Exchange, and Mr Handycock is set up as a coal merchant." "Indeed!"
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