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Sam Wiles then spoke: "Next to these officer dorgs who hunt us on the hills and mountains, I hate them shoutin' hypercrits who air holdin' that camp meetin' near Poplar Crick. They're tryin' to make the whul county pious, and you fellers know how their head men have jined with others around here to appint a vigilance committee to drive all such as we'uns air out'n the State.
"Hold right thar, pard," broke in the old man. "I don't want that persition, an' I won't take it. Appint some one else." "Pritchen, then," called out another. "I move for Pritchen." "Pritchen, Pritchen," came the response. "He'll do. He's the tongue for such things. Mount the bench, Bill." Since the night of the debate Pritchen appeared to be a changed man.
"Messmates, my lady, fathers, and brethren, I begs to offer a observation or two. It seems to me that a college with only one professor ain't quite the thing for this great and enlightened republic. Seems to me; therefore, that we should appint a professor who could spin yarns for our amusement, not to say edification.
"Wall," sez I, "I'd appint your funeral tomorrow arternoon, & the KORPS SHOULD BE READY! You're too smart to live on this yearth." He didn't try any more of his capers on me. But another pussylanermus individooul, in a red vest & patent lether boots, told me his name was Bill Astor & axed me to lend him 50 cents till early in the mornin.
Scott. "We-all will appint a committee to frame de rules of de see-ance, an' make 'em fair fo' both. You's been willin' to prove yo'-se'f, Ambrose, an' yo' couldn't do mo'. If dis m'latter Voodoo don't want to do lak'wise, he can leave dese pahts moughty sudden. Ain't dat so, gennlemen?" "Yassuh he'll leave quick!" was the threatening reply.
'Two hundred pound vurth o' reduced counsels to my son-in-law, Samivel, and all the rest o' my property, of ev'ry kind and description votsoever, to my husband, Mr. Tony Veller, who I appint as my sole eggzekiter. 'That's all, is it? said Sam. 'That's all, replied Mr. Weller.
An' Doctor Higgenlocker wint down into th' coal-shed; an' whin he come back, it was with Goold Bonds in his ar-rms, weak an' pale, but with a wan smile on his lips. "Afther embracin' Goold Bonds an' tuckin' him away in bed, Mack tur-rns to th' Dock. 'Dock, he says, 'ye have performed a noble sarvice, he says. 'I appint ye a major-gin'ral, he says. 'I'm that already, says th' Dock.
''Twud be a tur-r'ble thing, he says, 'if some day they shud meet a Spanish gin'ral in Mahdrid, an' have him say to thim, "I seen ye'er son Willie durin' th' war wearin' a stovepipe hat an' tan shoes." Let us begin th' examination, he says. 'Ar-re ye a good goluf player? 'I am, says Willie. 'Thin I appint ye a liftnant. What we need in th' ar-rmy is good goluf players, he says.
'I've r-rich relatives in Philadelphia, he says. 'But, says Mack, ''tis a shame to think iv ye'er noble sarvices bein' wasted, he says, 'whin ye'er counthry calls, he says. 'I appint ye, he says, 'surgeon-gin'ral, he says. 'Pro-ceed, he says, 'to Cubia, an' stamp out th' dhread ravages, he says, 'iv r-ringbone an' stagger, he says. "That's how Dock got th'job.
"Wall," sez I, "I'd appint your funeral to-morrow arternoon, & the korps should be ready. You're too smart to live on this yerth." He didn't try any more of his capers on me. But another pussylanermuss individooul in a red vest and patent leather boots told me his name was Bill Astor & axed me to lend him 50 cents till early in the mornin.
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