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All my wits hev bin waccinated away, and my blood is puddled like, which hev affected the workin' o' my brains; and, you see, all your detective chaps have failed." "But I shan't fail, if you'll help me." "Help you, Mr. Blake? You know I will!" "Simon, you offered to be my friend, now nearly a year ago." "Ay, and this 'ere is a lad as'll stick to his offer, sur, and mighty proud to do so."
At any rate, Simon guessed how things were, and, more than that, he believed that Voltaire had some sinister design against me. "What do you mean by what you call the vaccination dodge?" I asked, after a second's silence. "Scuse me, yer honour, but since that doctor waccinated me and nearly killed me by it, tough as I be, I come to call all tomfoolery by the same name.
"Well, then, I'm in hopes we shall succeed." "How, yer honour?" "By fighting Voltaire with his own weapons." "What, waccinatin'?" "By mesmerism and clairvoyance, Simon." "And who's the chap as hev got to be waccinated or mesmerized, as you call it?" "You, if you will, Simon." "Me, sir?" said Simon, aghast. "If you will."
"Said he couldn't keep a servant as would be a livin' advertisement as 'ow his pet 'obby wer a failure. And so I allays say as 'ow waccination is my ruin. It's ruined my blood and weakened my brain. Still," continued Simon, with a sly look, "I reckon as 'ow I'll be a match for that 'ere doubly waccinated ghost as frightened me so." I could get nothing more from him.
I used to think after that waccinatin' business gived me small-pox, that I was done for; but that 'ere Emily the 'ousemaid 'ev bin waccinated, and she 'ev had small-pox too. "Well, Simon, what was her reply?"
'What's that? give 'em to me? says I. 'No, says he, 'but to prevent you from a hevin' 'em. 'That's yer sorts, says I. Well, gentlemen, he waccinated me, and I said to un, 'Never no more, yer honour." "Why?" asked I. "'Cause I'd rather hev cholera, hoopin' cough, and small-pox all together than be waccinated. Jes like women, you never know where they'll break out."
"It's my belief as 'ow she's bin a waccinated ten times, yer honour." "Why, Simon?" "Why, she's without blood or marrow, she is; and as for flesh, she ain't got none." "Well, what for that?" "And not honly that," he continued, without heeding my question, "she hain't a got a hounce of tender feelin's in her natur. In my opinion, sur, she's a witch, she is, and hev got dealin's with the devil."
Simon shook his head, and then said solemnly, "I'm away from my bearin's, sur. I thought when I wur done the last time it should be the last time. It wur in this way, sur. I was in the doctor's service as waccinated me.
Simon Slowden couldn't hev bin sich a nincompoop if he hadn't bin waccinated 'gainst whoopin' cough, measles, and small-pox. Yer honour," he continued, "after I wur waccinated I broke out in a kind of rash all over, and that 'ere rash must have robbed me of my senses; but I'm blowed There, I can't say fairer nor that." "Why, what do you think?"
I've played in 'Amlet, yer honour, along with Octavius Bumpus's travellin' theatre, and I can nail a made-up livin' ghost in a minnit; but this ghost didn't look made up. There was no blood, yer honour; she looked as if she 'ad bin waccinated forty times." "And were the movements of her legs and arms natural?" "No j'ints, Master Blake. She looked like a wooden figger without proper j'ints!
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