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"But how did it happen? for he has been hitherto a perfectly sober man." "Faix, plase your honor, asy enough," replied Peter; "he began to lecthur me about! dhrinkin' so, says I, 'Come an' sit down behind the hedge here, an' we'll talk it over between us; so we went in, the two of us, a-back o' the ditch an' he began to advise me agin dhrink, an' I began to tell him about her that's gone, sir.
I looked about me, an' seen ever so many priests dressed all like the Protestant clargy; our Dinis was at the head of them, wid a three-cocked hat, an' a wig upon him; he was cuttin' up beef an' mutton at the rate of a weddin', an' dhrinkin' wine in metherfuls." "'Musha, Dinis, says myself, 'what's all this for? "'Why, says he, 'it's all for the good of the church an' the faithful.
There I set at night dhrinkin' absinthe, sherry wine, port wine, champagne, beer, whisky, rum, claret, kimmel, weiss beer, cream de mint, curaso, an' binidictine, occas'nally takin' a dhraw at an opeem pipe an' r-readin' a Fr-rinch novel. Th' touch iv a woman's hand wudden't help this here abode iv luxury.
I'll not let anger or jealousy get th' betther iv me, I says. 'I'll lave off all me old feuds; an' if I meet me inimy goin' down th' sthreet, I'll go up an' shake him be th' hand, if I'm sure he hasn't a brick in th' other hand. Oh, I was mighty compliminthry to mesilf. I set be th' stove dhrinkin' hot wans, an' ivry wan I dhrunk made me more iv a pote. 'Tis th' way with th' stuff.
"Was th' sojer under th' influence?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Ye might say he was," said Mr. Dooley. "That is, ye might say so if ye didn't know that th' dhrinkin' habits iv' th' army have been rayformed. Didn't ye know they were? They ar-re. Yes, sir.
To-day, afther dhrinkin' a bottle of Gazooma, he will go home not on'y with th' strenth but th' desire to beat his wife. There is a dhrug store on ivry corner an' they're goin' to dhrive out th' saloons onless th' govermint will let us honest merchants put a little cocaine or chloral in our cough-drops an' advertise that it will cure spinal minigitis. An' it will, too, f'r awhile."
Schwartzmeister had been entertained by the philosopher, and that they had paraded Archey Road arm-in-arm at a late hour. "Tubby sure he was," said Mr. Dooley. "Tubby sure he was. Right where ye're standin' at this moment, me dhrinkin' beer an' him callin' f'r hot Irish. 'Make it hot, he says. 'Make it hot, me frind; an' we'll make it hot f'r th' British between us, says Schwartzmeister.
If you have been drinking, you will not be permitted to make a row in this office." "It's not me, but another man that's been dhrinkin'." "Well," snarled the editor, "if the other man had the drink, you have the 'drunk, and if you don't take yourself off, I'll call some men from the press-room who may put you downstairs uncomfortably fast."
Annyhow, the money's in the bank, an' it's proper dhrunk'll be Batty the Fool this night, an' likewise the Hon. Cubberd Allen Wiggit-Galt, Etcetera. There's two of me now, an' it's twice the amount I must be dhrinkin'. I swear, I feel a thirst risin' that minds me o' Ingy in the hills, an' the mess o' the Rile Irish wance again."
"I thank you, Peter, for your good opinion; but in the meantime allow me to ask, what can you propose to yourself by drinking so incessantly as you do?" "What do I propose to myself by dhrinkin', is it? Why thin to banish grief, your honor. Surely you'll allow that no man has reason to complain who's able to banish the thief for two shillins a-day.
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