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Updated: June 29, 2025
I was clerk of the Senate Committee on Conchology, and I have thrown up the position. I could see the plainest disposition on the part of the other members of the government to debar me from having any voice in the counsels of the nation, and so I could no longer hold office and retain my self-respect.
Introduction to Conchology, for the Use of Travellers. By T.E. Bowdich. Paris, 1821-2. 8vo. Instructions for Travellers. By Dean Tucker. 1757. 4to. Essay to direct and extend the Enquiries of patriotic Travellers. By Count Berchtold. The second volume contains a Catalogue of Travels in Europe; the first alone relates to the subject of the title. 2 vols. 8vo. 1789.
Now do tell me what the difference is between geometry and conchology?" Here you come again with your arithmetical conundrums, when I am suffering death with a cold in the head.
Inflict soap and a spelling-book on every Indian that ravages the Plains, and let them die!" The Secretary of War asked me if I was a member of the Cabinet, and I said I was. He inquired what position I held, and I said I was clerk of the Senate Committee on Conchology. I was then ordered under arrest for contempt of court, and restrained of my liberty for the best part of the day.
But she was rather dismayed by Julia's saying, "Well, I don't see any reason for our remaining indoors. Of course Ernest won't come, he is too much taken up with that book about shellology. So he can stay with Ruth while you come out with us." "Why can't you call things by their right names, and say 'conchology'?" asked Ernest quietly.
Now do tell me what the difference is between geometry and conchology?" Here you come again with your arithmetical conundrums, when I am suffering death with a cold in the head.
I handed him my card, and he read: "The HON. MARK TWAIN, Clerk of the Senate Committee on Conchology." Then he looked at me from head to foot, as if he had never heard of me before. The Secretary of the Treasury said: "This is the meddlesome ass that came to recommend me to put poetry and conundrums in my report, as if it were an almanac."
Of curious and pretty shells there are so many varieties in these warm waters, that one must be well versed in conchology before daring to attempt an enumeration even of the commonest.
"'Why, said she, 'I know Spanish and mathematics, ichthiology and conchology, astronomy and dancing, mineralogy and animal magnetism, and German and chemistry, and French and botany. Yes, and the use of the globes too. Can you tell me what attraction and repulsion is? "'To be sure I can, said I, and I drew her on my knee and kissed her.
'Horses are tied by the head, dogs and bears by the neck, monkeys by the loins, and men by the legs'; and having ransacked his memory to such good purpose, and produced such a pile of learned precedents, he appears disposed to rest the case with these; for it is a part of the play to get man into his place in the scale of nature, and to draw the line between him and the brutes, if there be any such thing possible; and the Fool seems to be particularly inclined to assist the author in this process, though when we last heard of him he was, indeed, proposing to send the principal man of his time 'to school to an ant, to improve his sagacity; intimating, also, that another department of natural science, even conchology itself, might furnish him with some rather more prudent and fortunate suggestions than those which his own brain had appeared to generate; and it is to be remarked, that in his views on this point, as on some others of importance, he has the happiness to agree remarkably with that illustrious yoke-fellow of his in philosophy, who was just then turning his attention to the 'practic part of life' and its 'theoric, and who indulges himself in some satires on this point not any less severe, though his pleasantries are somewhat more covert.
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