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Updated: June 3, 2025
"Oh! you are never willin' to give in that I look dressy, Samantha. But I s'pose I can put my feet where you say. You are so sot, but they are too big for me I shall look like a fool." I looked at him calmly over my specks, and sez I, "I guess I sha'n't notice the difference or realize the change. I wonder," sez I, in middlin' cold axents, "how you think you are a lookin' now, Josiah Allen."
"Oh," sez she, "it hain't no matter about that; I I I somehow I don't feel like rehearsin' it as it was." Sez she, "I guess I shall make some changes in it before I rehearse it agin." Sez I, "You lay out to make a more mean thing of it, more megum." "Yes," sez she, in faint axents, "I am a-thinkin' of it."
And Josiah said before the subject wuz broached that never, never should he kiss that toe. And he sez it to me in reproachful axents as if I'd been teasin' him to. But I hadn't thought on't and told him so.
"And not a mite of anything on their heads," says Miss Spink. Sez I in sarcastical axents, "Do men have to go in low necks too?" "No," says Miss Bobbet. "But they have to have the tails of their coats kinder pinted.
"Oh, yes," sez he, "and these blows that has fell on me has most onmanned me." And I sez in pityin' axents, "You won't try to git another wife, will you, Uncle Giles?" "Yes, I shall, as long as the Lord keeps a takin', I shall is that woman with Josiah a widder?" I answered evasive, and kinder stepped in between him and Blandina, I didn't want her to hear what he wuz sayin', I dassent.
Says I, in a sarcasticker tone than I had used, "That is a disease that is very common amongst men, very common, though they hain't over and above willin' to own up to it. Too much population of the heart has ailed many a man before now, and woman too," says I in reasonable axents. "But you mean palpitation." "Wall, I said so, didn't I? And it is jest your skairful talk that has done it."
You see I have got my dressin' gown and plenty of neckties." "Well," sez I in my boundless joy and content, "there are things more necessary on a long sea voyage than neckties, but I've got some socks most knit, and I can buy some underclothes, and we will git along first rate." "Yes, Arvilly said so." Sez he, "Arvilly told me you'd manage." "Arvilly?" sez I, in surprised axents.
I then went to her room myself, but my knock at her door elicited no reply. I then spoke in anxious, appealin' axents: "Arvilly, are you there? And are you sick a-bed? Or are you dead? Answer me, Arvilly, if either of my conjectures are true!" My axent was such that she answered to once, "I hain't dead, Josiah Allen's wife, and I hain't sick, only heart-sick."
Where wuz they takin' me? Wuz I to perish in these wilds? Wuz they carryin' me off for booty? I had on my cameo pin and I trembled. It wuz my pride in Jonesville; wuz I to lose my life for it? Or wuz it my good looks that wuz ondoin' of me? Did they want to make me their brides? I sez to them in agonizin' axents, "Take me back instantly to my pardner! He is the choice of my youth!
I remembered this story, but I wuzn't goin' to encourage Josiah Allen by lettin' my attention be drawed off by any anectotes nor I didn't smile oh, no I But I went right on with a hull lot of burnin' indignatin in my axents, and sez I, "Josiah Allen, can you look me in the face and say that it wuzn't money and bad men's influence that keep such men as Deacon Widrig and Simeon Lathers in the meetin' house?"
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