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Updated: May 2, 2025
As for you, Nicolinka," he added, rising and glancing askew at the Turk, "won't you tell us your great secret at last? What are you going to give your Grandmamma? I think another head would be your best gift. But good-bye, gentlemen," and taking his hat and cardboard he departed.
Please do understand that it is no joking matter." "Do you know what she has gone and written on her paper, Nicolinka?" cried Katenka, much infuriated by the term "foreigner." "She has written down that " "Oh, I never could have believed that you could be so cruel!" exclaimed Lubotshka, now bursting into open sobbing as she moved away from us. "You chose that moment on purpose!
Oh, it was dreadful! Alas, if only Mamma had been there she would never have blushed for her Nicolinka! How on the instant that dear image led my imagination captive! I seemed to see once more the meadow before our house, the tall lime-trees in the garden, the clear pond where the ducks swain, the blue sky dappled with white clouds, the sweet-smelling ricks of hay.
On the contrary, she only laughed her sweet, musical laugh, and made a sign with her head that he had chosen right. Since nobody chose me, I always had the mortification of finding myself left over, and of hearing them say, "Who has been left out? Oh, Nicolinka. Well, DO take him, somebody."
"Nicolinka," he said in a perfectly simple and anything but mock-pathetic way, "you have been angry with me long enough. I am sorry if I offended you," and he tendered me his hand. It was as though something welled up from my heart and nearly choked me. Presently it passed away, the tears rushed to my eyes, and I felt immensely relieved. "I too am so-rry, Wo-lo-da," I said, taking his hand.
"God sees and knows everything," he said at length, raising himself to his full height and drawing a deep sigh. "Yes, Nicolinka," he went on, observing, the expression of sincere pity on my face, "my fate has been an unhappy one from the cradle, and will continue so to the grave. "Ah, if only you knew my whole story, and all that I have endured in this life!
My ears were burning, I trembled from head to foot, and, though I kept changing from one foot to the other, I remained rooted where I stood. "Well, Nicolinka, tell us what you have brought?" said Papa. "Is it a box or a drawing?" There was nothing else to be done. With a trembling hand held out the folded, fatal paper, but my voiced failed me completely and I stood before Grandmamma in silence.
"I can see that you cannot sleep," I remarked, observing by his bright eyes that he was anything but drowsy. Isn't she splendid? If she were to say to me, 'Nicolinka, jump out of the window, or 'jump into the fire, I should say, 'Yes, I will do it at once and rejoice in doing it. Oh, how glorious she is!"
Ah, my dear Nicolinka" he spoke with the most unusual and unwonted tenderness, and in a tone which had grown calmer now that he had made his confession "how much the influence of a woman like Lubov could do for me! Think how good it would be for me if I could have a friend like her to live with when I have become independent! With her I should be another man."
Nicolinka, my friend," he went on, and so feelingly that it sounded as though tears were standing in his eyes, "I know and feel that I am bad, but God sees how I try to be better, and how I entreat Him to make me so. Yet what am I to do with such an unfortunate, horrible nature as mine? What am I to do with it?
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