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My marrid friends, listen to me: If you treat your wives as though' they were perfeck gentlemen if you show 'em that you have entire confidence in them believe me, they will be troo to you most always. I was so pleased with this conduct of Shaun that I hollered out, "Good boy! Come and see me!" "Silence!" sum people said.
Who puts out ye'er fire f'r ye, who supports th' Naytional Governmint be payin' most iv th' intarnal rivnoo jooties, who maintains th' schools ye sind ye'er ignorant little childher to, be payin' th' saloon licenses, who does th' fightin' f'r ye in th' wars but th' bachelors? Th' marrid men start all th' wars with loose talk whin they're on a spree.
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "Th' las' I heerd iv Adly, I didn't hear annythin', an' th' las' I heerd iv Tiddy he'd made application to th' naytional comity f'r th' use iv Mack as a soundin' board." "It's always been a wondher to me," said Mr. Hennessy, "ye niver marrid." "It's been a wondher to manny," Mr. Dooley replied haughtily.
Whin all me marrid frinds is off to wurruk pound in' th' ongrateful sand an' wheelin' th' rebellyous slag, in th' heat iv th' afthernoon, ye can see ye'er onfortchnit bachelor frind perambulatin' up an' down th' shady side iv th' sthreet, with an umbrelly over his head an' a wurrud iv cheer fr'm young an' old to enliven his loneliness." "But th' childher?" asked Mr. Hennessy slyly.
Nebuchedneezar there's a name f'r ye th' sage iv I- dinnaw-where, says: "Ye can't ate ye'er hay an' have it." Solomon, th' sage iv Sageville, said, "Whin a man's marrid his throubles begins," an' Adam, th' sage iv Eden, put it that "A snake in th' grass is worth two in th' boots."
His tone mollified his friend, who went on: "To tell ye th' truth, Hinnissy, th' raison I niver got marrid was I niver cud pick a choice.
No, sir, pollytics ain't dhroppin' into tea, an' it ain't wurrukin' a scroll saw, or makin' a garden in a back yard. 'Tis gettin' up at six o'clock in th' mornin' an' r-rushin' off to wurruk, an' comin' home at night tired an' dusty. Double wages f'r overtime an' Sundahs." "So a man's got to be marrid to do it well.
Dooley continued, "I was on'y goin' to say, Hinnissy, that in spite iv me hathred iv George as a man a marrid man an' me contimpt f'r his qualities as a fighter, in spite iv th' chickens he has stole an' the notes he has forged an' th' homes he has rooned, if he was to come r-runnin' up Archey road, as he might, pursooed be ladies an' gintlemen an' th' palajeem iv our liberties peltin him with rotten eggs an' ol' cats, I'd open th' dure f'r him, an' whin he come in I'd put me fut behind it an' I'd say to th' grateful people: 'Fellow-citizens, I'd say, 'lave us, I'd say.
"You air a marrid man, Mister Yung, I bleeve?" sez I, preparin to rite him sum free parsis. "I hev eighty wives, Mister Ward. I sertinly am married." "How do you like it as far as you hev got?" sed I. He sed "middlin," and axed me wouldn't I like to see his famerly, to which I replide that I wouldn't mine minglin with the fair Seck & Barskin in the winnin smiles of his interestin wives.
They'se no wan depindant on me f'r support, an' he surrinders. But a marrid man says: 'What'll happen to me wife an' twelve small childher if I don't win out here today? an' he bites his way to th' top iv th' pile an' breaks open th' ballot box f'r home and fireside. That's th' thruth iv it, Hinnissy. Ye'll find all th' big jobs held be marrid men an' all th' timpry clerkships be bachelors."
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