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Updated: May 10, 2025
"But," said the maid-servant, "cuckolds are made in the image of God before they are horned." Then the three pilgrims began to curse women, saying that they were the cause of all the evils in the world. "Their heads are as empty as helmets," said the Burgundian. "Their hearts are as straight as bill-hooks," said the Parisian.
His first design was only to be initiated into the mysteries of those fortunate and happy inhabitants: that is to say, by changing his name and dress, to gain admittance to their feasts and entertainments; and, as occasion offered, to those of their loving spouses; as he was able to adapt himself to all capacities and humours, he soon deeply insinuated himself into the esteem of the substantial wealthy aldermen, and into he affections of their more delicate, magnificent, and tender ladies: he made one in all their feasts, and at all their assemblies; and, whilst in the company of the husbands, he declaimed against the faults and mistakes of government, he joined their wives in railing against the profligacy of the court ladies, and in inveighing against the king's mistresses: he agreed with them, that the industrious poor were to pay for these cursed extravagances; that the city beauties were not inferior to those of the other end of the town, and yet a sober husband in this quarter of the town was satisfied with one wife; after which, to out-do their murmurings, he said, that he wondered Whitehall was not yet consumed by fire from heaven, since such rakes as Rochester, Killegrew, and Sidney were suffered there, who had the impudence to assert that all married men in the city were cuckolds, and all their wives painted.
Thus seated in his lonely chair, Bridgenorth could catch at a distance the stately step of Sir Geoffrey, or the heavy tramp of his war-horse, Black Hastings, which had borne him in many an action; he could hear the hum of "The King shall enjoy his own again," or the habitual whistle of "Cuckolds and Roundheads," die unto reverential silence, as the Knight approached the mansion of affliction; and then came the strong hale voice of the huntsman soldier with its usual greeting.
"Nothing, sire, but that in the general confusion, the drovers came across the cuckolds, and set a-butting to prove whose horns were the harder; it might have turned out seriously, had not your horned giants joined in the affray." "Well," said Lucifer, "since ye are all so ready with your arms, come with me to trounce the other rebels."
Another common topic for false wit, and cool raillery, is matrimony. Every man and his wife hate each other cordially, whatever they may pretend, in public, to the contrary. The husband certainly wishes his wife at the devil, and the wife certainly cuckolds her husband.
The rage of marrying is very prevalent; so that there will be probably a great crop of cuckolds next winter, who are at present only 'cocus en herbs'. It will contribute to population, and so far must be allowed to be a public benefit. Lord G , Mr. B , and Mr. D , are, in this respect, very meritorious; for they have all married handsome women, without one shilling fortune.
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