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Updated: June 12, 2025
"A hot one, you are, to talk about crookedness." "He's paying his advertising bills out of my people's pay envelopes!" accused Dr. Surtaine. "How's that, Doc?" asked Ellis. "Why, when he was here before, he spent some time around the Certina plant and got acquainted with the department managers and a lot of the others, and damn me!" cried Dr.
More searching questions, as they arose within him, he had met with the counter-evidence of the internal humanism and fair-dealing of the Certina shop, and of the position of its beloved chief in the commercial world. In the face of the Relief Pills exposure, Hal could no longer excuse his father on the ground that Dr. Surtaine honestly credited his medicines with impossible efficacies.
"Well, they call Certina 'the People's Doctor," said Hal, quoting an argument his father had employed. "One of the Chief's catchwords. And ain't it a corker! He's the best old boy in the business, on the bunk." "Just what do you mean by that?" asked Hal coldly. But Certina Charley was in an expansive mood.
It hasn't got any drugs in it, so we won't have to label it under the law. It ain't medical; so the most particular newspaper and magazines won't kick on the advertising. Yet, with the copy I'm getting up on it, we can put it over to cure more troubles than Certina ever thought of curing. Only we won't use the word 'cure, of course.
"And then 'Try Certina, eh?" "For a starter and, for a finisher 'Certina Cures. Shoves the bottle right into their hands. The first bottle braces 'em. They take another. By the time they've had half a dozen, they love it." "Booze?" "Sure! Flavored and spiced up, nice and tasty. Great for the temperance trade. And the best little repeater on the market. Now take a look, Elpy."
None too large, fine, or modern was this last word in architecture for the triumphant nostrum and the minor medical enterprises allied to it. For though Certina alone bore the name and spread the fame and features of its inventor abroad in the land, many lesser experiments had bloomed into success under the fertilizing genius of the master-quack.
Yet recently he had noted a restlessness verging to actual distaste on Hal's part, whenever he turned the conversation upon his favorite topic, the greatness of Certina and the commercial romance of the proprietary medicine business. In his one close fellowship, the old quack cultivated even the minor and finer virtues. With Hal he was scrupulously tactful.
"Say, Bill, I guess I been talkin' too much with my face. Bring's another of those li'l bo'ls." Certina Charley, plus an indeterminate quantity of alcohol, had acted upon Hal's mind as a chemical precipitant. All the young man's hitherto suppressed or unacknowledged doubts of the Certina trade and its head were now violently crystallized.
If Certina itself, if the tutelary genius of the House of Surtaine, were indeed but a monstrous quackery cynically accepted as such by those in the secret, what shred of defense remained to him who had so prospered by it? Through the wreckage of his pride, his loyalty, his affection, Hal saw, in place of the glowing and benign face of Dr.
He's bullied this town all his life, just as he's bullied his employees until they hate him like poison. But now he's gone up against the wrong game. Roast Certina, will he? The pup!
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