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Updated: May 2, 2025
And once when he was speaking of the benighted condition of the king of Timbuctoo, and the number of his wives who were likewise in darkness, some gipsy miscreant from the crowd asked, "How many is there at Queen's Crawley, Young Squaretoes?" to the surprise of the platform, and the ruin of Mr. Pitt's speech. Crawley, by threatening the old gentleman, forced the latter to send them to school.
Across this gallery now, following the steps of the powdered valet, strode young Ardworth, staring now and then at some portrait more than usually grim, more often wondering why his boots, that never creaked before, should creak on those particular boards, and feeling a quiet curiosity, without the least mixture of fear or awe as to what old Squaretoes intended to say to him.
"I wish you would not call me Squaretoes, Larkyns," said I, peevishly, for he hurt me, squeezing my neck in his tight grip, holding me out of the port as if I were a kitten, so that I could not turn my head round. "I hate nicknames. Do leave me alone, please!" "Ah, would you, now!" he exclaimed in reply, as I tried to wrench myself free.
"What," said he, "was it to him? were we not all brethren?" Old Perkins, however, kept religiously to the Squaretoes congregation.
He appears to have had not one of the good qualities of a man neither courage, nor generosity, nor honesty, nor brains; but read what the great Divines and Doctors of England said about him! Charles II., his grandson, was a rogue, but not a Snob; whilst Louis XIV., his old squaretoes of a contemporary, the great worshipper of Bigwiggery has always struck me as a most undoubted and Royal Snob.
Across this gallery now, following the steps of the powdered valet, strode young Ardworth, staring now and then at some portrait more than usually grim, more often wondering why his boots, that never creaked before, should creak on those particular boards, and feeling a quiet curiosity, without the least mixture of fear or awe as to what old Squaretoes intended to say to him.
Should we cast our thoughtless glance upon the demure Methodist Rachel we are paralysed by a scowl of disapprobation, which prostrates like the shock of a gymnotus; and any of our mild pleasantry at the expense of young Squaretoes is cut short by a Bible rebuke, shot out of his mouth like a rock from a catapult.
"There, booby," said Larkyns, slewing me round and shoving my head right out of the port. "Can't you see the powder hoy, there to your right, passing Blockhouse Fort, at the mouth of the harbour?" "That one flying the red flag, eh?" "Yes, my dear Squaretoes; but we don't call a burgee a flag aboard ships."
"I shall fancy I'm climbing the greasy pole at a regatta and that you're the pig on the top, old fellow. How's that, umpire, for your `Squaretoes, eh?" "Ah, pax! You're a trump, Jack Vernon, and I promise never to call you by that name any more as it annoys you," he replied, chuckling at my joke, though it was at his own expense.
Thus, Parson Hobanob, that pet victim of country caprice, would come in and go out of season like lamb or asparagus; Major Moustache and Jawleyford would be as 'thick as thieves' one day, and at daggers drawn the next; Squire Squaretoes, of Squaretoes House, and he, were continually kissing or cutting; and even distance nine miles of bad road, and, of course, heavy tolls could not keep the peace between lawyer Seedywig and him.
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