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There is some relief in th' situation to-night based on th' repoort that th' Prisidint has sint an apology an' has ordhered out th' army to subjoo Scully.
"But nowadays he has tin wurruds f'r Thomas Jefferson an' th' rest iv th' sage crop to wan f'r himsilf. 'Fellow-dimmycrats, he says, 'befure goin' anny farther, an' maybe farin' worse, I reluctantly accipt th' nommynation f'r prisidint that I have caused ye to offer me, he says, 'an' good luck to me, he says. 'Seein' th' counthry in th' condition it is, he says, 'I cannot rayfuse, he says.
'I'm goin' to enther th' profission iv law, he says, 'where be me acooman an' industhry I hope, he says, 'f'r to rise to be a judge, he says, 'a congrissman, he says, 'a sinator, he says, 'an' p'rhaps, he says, 'a prisidint iv th' United States, he says. 'Theyse nawthin to prevint, he says.
Th' prisidint was slightly to th' left in th' long grass on his fifth, but, nawthin' daunted, he took a hoe an' was well out in siven. Both players were in th' first bunker in eight, th' sicrety iv war havin' flubbed his sixth an' bein' punished f'r overdarin' on th' siventh. Th' prisidint was first out iv th' bunker at a quarther past two, his opponent followin' at exactly three sixteen.
It was raaly a brillyant shot. A foot nearer th' ball an' he might have accomplished a feat in golufing histhry. But th' luck iv war was against him an' he sthruck himsilf upon th' ankle. Th' prisidint, resolvin' to give him no mercy, took his dhriver an' made a sterling carry to within thirty yards iv th' green. There was now nawthin' to it.
Th' women down be th' rollin' mills 'll be sewin' flannels f'r th' disthressed millyonaires, an' whin th' childher kick about th' food ye'll say, Hinnissy, 'Just think iv th' poor wretches in th' Lake Shore dhrive an' thank Gawd f'r what ye have. Th' mayor 'll open soup kitchens where th' unforchnit people can come an' get a hearty meal an' watch th' ticker, an' whin th' season grows hard, ye'll see pinched an' hungry plutocrats thrampin' th' sthreets with signs r-readin': 'Give us a cold bottle or we perish. Perhaps th' polis 'll charge thim an' bust in their stovepipe hats, th' prisidint 'll sind th' ar-rmy here, a conspiracy 'll be discovered at th' club to blow up th' poorhouse, an' volunteers 'll be called on fr'm th' nickel bed houses to protect th' vested inthrests iv established poverty."
'Twas r-run be a man be th' name iv Horse Clamback. He was quite a man whin sober. Ye've heerd iv him, no doubt. But what I ast ye up here f'r was to give ye a item that ye can write up in ye'er own way an' hand to th' r-rest iv th' boys. I'm goin' to be prisidint.
Mr Fosset and Garry O'Neil were equally enthusiastic. "Faith, now, sor!" observed the latter, with a comical air of assured deference at my future dignified position, as he imagined it would be, "I hope ye'll remember ye'r humble ould fri'nd Garry whim ye're Prisidint of the Venezuelan Raypublic, mid a lot of yaller divvles for lackeys, an' so many dollars that ye won't know what to do wid 'em.
'It's what ye might call a judicious seliction fr'm th' best features iv thim ar-rts, I says. 'T'was too sthrong f'r me, he says. 'It was, says I. 'Ye're about up to simple thransom climbin', Cassidy, I says." "If this r-rush iv people to th' Paris exposition keeps up," said Mr. Hennessy, "they won't be enough left here f'r to ilict a prisidint." "They'll be enough left," said Mr. Dooley.
Take that back to Jimmy Jones an' tell him to put it in his pipe an' smoke it. With which he bounds into th' house an' locks the dure while th' baffled conspirators goes down to a costumer an' changes their disguise. If th' future prisidint hadn't been quick on th' dhraw he'd been committed to a policy iv sthranglin' all the girl babies at birth."
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