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Updated: May 19, 2025
Waffles' father, then, was either a great grazier or a great brazier which, we are unable to say, 'for a small drop of ink having fallen, not 'like dew, but like a black beetle, on the first letter of the word in our correspondent's communication, it may do for either but in one of which trades he made a 'mint of money, and latish on in life married a lady who hitherto had filled the honourable office of dairy-maid in his house; she was a fine handsome woman and a year or two after the birth of this their only child, he departed this life, nearer eighty than seventy, leaving an 'inconsolable, &c., who unfortunately contracted matrimony with a master pork-butcher, before she got the fine flattering white monument up, causing young Waffles to be claimed for dry-nursing by that expert matron the High Court of Chancery; who, of course, had him properly educated where, it is immaterial to relate, as we shall step on till we find him at college.
Why, we've heard of bloody battles for the possession of women! Men will fight for almost anything they care to get or call their own, the pork-butcher said; and he praised Old England for avoiding war. Skepsey nodded. How if war is forced on us? Then we fight. Suppose we are not prepared? We soon get that up.
Would the producer have thought it helpful to announce a new play by a pork-butcher, or a lawyer, or a grocer, or a journalist? He certainly would not. He would have left the play to stand or fall on its merits. Why, then, does he think that the fact that it is by a peer will bring us all crowding to his doors? You may, of course, take it as a reflection on the peerage.
Two days later, Miss Joliffe put on her Sunday mantle and bonnet in the middle of the week, and went down to the Market Place to call on her cousin the pork-butcher. Her attire at once attracted attention. The only justification for such extravagance would be some parish function or festivity, and nothing of that sort could be going on without the knowledge of the churchwarden's family.
There stood Joliffe, the pork-butcher, in shirt-sleeves and white apron in the middle of the road; and there stood Joliffe's wife and daughters, piled up on the steps of the shop, and craning their necks towards the market-place. The postmaster and his clerk and two letter-carriers had come out from the post-office.
'Allow me to say, you would not touch me. 'And how do you know I'm not a trifle handy with the maulers myself? 'You will pardon me for saying, it would be worse for you if you were. The pork-butcher was flung backward. 'Are you a Professor, may I inquire? Skepsey rejected the title. 'I can engage to teach young men, upon a proper observance of first principles.
This silence is important: still one does not willingly consent to throw doubt upon a fact so widely known, which is attested by the ballad which all the world knows: "There were three little children In the fields they went to glean." This famous text expressly states that a cruel pork-butcher put the innocents "like pigs into the salting-vat."
In that case he was no priest, but a useful tool in their hands, for he was capable of anything. Ignorant and unlettered, he had studied neither theology nor the Scriptures; he was, moreover, a man of bad life, heartless, cruel and greedy. His aim both as Patriarch and as pork-butcher was to make money as much and as quickly as possible.
'I should claim a fair field, was the answer, made in modesty. 'And you'd expect to whop me with they there principles of yours? 'I should expect to. 'Bang me! was roared. After a stare at the mild little figure with the fitfully dead-levelled large grey eyes in front of him, the pork-butcher resumed: 'Take you for the man you say you be, you're just the man for my friend Jam and me.
And unlikely that a friend of the pork-butcher would be the person whom Mr. Radnor first prohibited and then desired to receive. It hardly mattered: considering that the Dutch Navy did really, incredible as it seems now, come sailing a good way up the River Thames, into the very main artery of Old England. And what thought the Tower of it?
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