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Updated: June 10, 2025
Insthruct Schley to put on all steam, an' thin put it off again, an' call us up be telephone. R-rush eighty-three millyon throops an' four mules to Tampa, to Mobile, to Chickenmaha, to Coney Island, to Ireland, to th' divvle, an' r-rush thim back again. Don't r-rush thim. Ordher Sampson to pick up th' cable at Lincoln Par-rk, an' run into th' bar-rn. Is th' balloon corpse r-ready? It is?
I'm thinkin' iv savin' me enthusyasm f'r th' queen's birthday, whiniver it is that that blessid holiday comes ar-round. Ye see, Hinnissy, Patrick's Day is out iv fashion now. A few years ago ye'd see the Prisident iv th' United States marchin' down Pinnsylvanya Avnoo, with the green scarf iv th' Ancient Ordher on his shoulders an' a shamrock in his hat.
"Whin ye come up, did ye see Dorgan?" asked Mr. Dooley. "Which Dorgan?" asked Mr. McKenna. "Why, to be sure, Hugh O'Neill Dorgan, him that was sicrety iv Deerin' Shtreet branch number wan hundred an' eight iv th' Ancient Ordher iv Scow Unloaders, him that has th' red lambrequin on his throat, that married th' second time to Dinnihy's aunt an' we give a shivaree to him.
'In ordher, he says, 'that there may be no disordher, he says, 'I will call upon th' imperyal States, he says, 'an Territ'ries, he says, 'beginnin' with th' imperyal State iv Alabama, he says, 'to each sind wan singer to th' platform, he says, 'f'r to wring our hear-rts with melodies, he says.
I'll tell ye what I'll do. I'll give ye an ordher on our lord high treasurer for the whole amount in cash! That's what I'll do, so I will. Ye naydn't give yerself any more throuble. I'll give ye the hard cash through the lord high treasurer that's me way. I'll do it!" "His Majesty" here mixed another glass of toddy. After a few draughts he assumed a more dignified attitude.
Callaghan, says the other; 'that's the curse of the widows and orphans, and the poor in general, that you have oppressed in ordher to keep up a fat an' greedy establishment, says he, 'but in the mane time, keep a good heart we're friends of yours, and wishes you well; and if the curses have come down hot and heavy on your back, we'll take them off it, says he, 'so aisily and purtily, that if you'll only shut your eyes, you'll think yourself in another world I mane of coorse the world you'll go to, says he; 'we have got a few nice and aisy machines here, for ticklin' sich procthors, in ordher to laugh them into health again, and we'll now set you to rights' at wanst.
"Oh, then, if she's quite ill, it's right that her father should know it, in ordher that a docther may be sent for." "Ah, but she's now asleep, Cummiskey that sleep may set her to rights; she may waken quite recovered; but you know it might be dangerous to disturb her."
Come now, I'll have no put offs you must come, I say I ordher you I can't and won't meet her wid out you. Come, avick, an' you can sing mi the song goin' home come wid your owi poor ould father, that can't live widout you come, a sullish machree, I don't feel right here we won't be properly happy till we go to your lovin' mother." "Father, father, you don't know what you're making me suffer!
Comes, boys, says he, turnin' to us, 'tie every sowl in the house, barrin' the poor sick procthor that we all feel for, bekaise you see, Misther Callaghan, in ordher to do the thing complate, we intind to have your own family spectawthers of the cure.
'I have just been in another counthry where such conduct as we've witnessed here wud be unknown at a second thrile, I says, 'because they have no second thriles, I says. 'We Anglo-Saxons ar-re th' salt iv th' earth, an' don't ye f'rget it, boys. All our affairs ar-re in ordher.
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