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RESOLVED, That my thanks is doo several members of the Baldinsville meetin house who for 3 whole dase hain't kalled me a sinful skoffer or intreeted me to mend my wicked wase and jine sade meetin house to onct. RESOLVED, That my Boozum teams with meny kind emoshuns towards the follerin individoouls, to whit namelee Mis.
I am a early riser, but my wife is a Presbyterian. I may add that I am also bald-heded. I keep two cows. I live in Baldinsville, Indiany. My next door naber is Old Steve Billins. I'll tell you a little story about Old Steve that will make you larf.
"We shall soon have Wards enuff," sed the editer of the Baldinsville "Bugle of Liberty," who was lookin over a bundle of exchange papers in the corner, "to apply to the legislater for a City Charter!" "Good for you, old man!" sed I; "giv that air a conspickius place in the next "Bugle." "How redicklus," sed pretty Susan Fletcher, coverin her face with her knittin work & larfin like all possest.
I spoke to my wife 'bout it at the time. My wife sed it was well dun. It havin there4 bin detarmined to pertect Baldinsville at all hazzuds, and as there was no apprehensions of any immejit danger, I thought I would go orf onto a pleasure tower. Accordinly I put on a clean Biled Shirt and started for Washinton.
Why, it stuck that fellow so full of bones, that he could not get his shirt off for a whole week!" In addition to the paper on the Fenians, two other articles by Artemus Ward are reprinted in the present work. One relates to the city of Washington, and the other to the author's imaginary town of Baldinsville.
"Ever of thee," A. Ward. Our complaint just now is war meetin's. They've bin havin 'em bad in varis parts of our cheerful Republic, and nat'rally we caught 'em here in Baldinsville. They broke out all over us. They're better attended than the Eclipse was. I remember how people poured into our town last Spring to see the Eclipse.
I'm in a far more respectful bizniss nor what pollertics is. I wouldn't giv two cents to be a Congresser. The wuss insult I ever received was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me to run fur the Legislater. Sez I, "My frends, dostest think I'd stoop to that there?" They turned as white as a sheet. I spoke in my most orfullest tones & they knowed I wasn't to be trifled with.
"No, marm," sez I, "this is a Nashunal day. The glory of this here day isn't confined to Baldinsville by a darn site.
Besides, he is a very sensible man. Such men must be encouraged. They don't git news very fast in Baldinsville, as nothin but a plank road runs in there twice a week, and that's very much out of repair. So my nabers wasn't much posted up in regard to the wars. 'Squire Baxter sed he'd voted the dimicratic ticket for goin on forty year, and the war was a dam black republican lie. Jo.
On returnin to my humsted in Baldinsville, Injianny, resuntly, my feller sitterzens extended a invite for me to norate to 'em on the Krysis. I excepted & on larst Toosday nite I peared be4 a C of upturned faces in the Red Skool House.
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