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And I never saw, never suspected it, till the reading of the letter put my own thoughts before me in a new light till I saw the shadow of my own circumstances suddenly reflected in one special circumstance of that other woman's case! "It is to be done, if I can but look the necessity in the face. It is to be done, if I can count on Allan Armadale's death in a given time.
Hawbury would have been mollified by such a concession as his adversary had now made to him; but he disliked Midwinter too cordially to leave him in the peaceable enjoyment of an opinion of his own. "Do you admit," asked the doctor, more pugnaciously than ever, "that I have traced back every event of the dream to a waking impression which preceded it in Mr. Armadale's mind?"
I am very unwilling to ask you to speak on what may be a painful subject, and I am sadly inexperienced in putting such questions as I ought to put; but, perhaps, in Mr. Armadale's interests, I ought to know something more, either from yourself, or from Mr. Pedgift, if you prefer it " He, too, stopped confusedly, looked at the testimonial, and said no more. There was another moment of silence.
I went round to Midwinter's side of the bed, and took no matter what I took. The last thing I did before I left the room was to look at my watch. It was half-past ten, Armadale's usual time for leaving us. I went back at once and joined the two men again. "I approached Armadale good-humoredly, and said to him: "No! On second thoughts. I won't put down what I said to him, or what I did afterward.
My dressing-case I will put my dressing-case tidy, and polish up the few little things in it which my misfortunes have still left in my possession. "I have shut up the dressing-case again. The first thing I found in it was Armadale's shabby present to me on my marriage the rubbishing little ruby ring. That irritated me, to begin with. The second thing that turned up was my bottle of Drops.
But most of the conversation reached me, except when they dropped their voices. This is the substance of what I heard: "I gathered that Miss Milroy had been prevailed on, against her will, to take refuge from the thunder-storm in Mr. Armadale's house. She said so, at least, and she gave two reasons.
The letter was not to be sent that day, for the applicants for the vacant place of Mrs. Milroy's nurse were coming, and seeing them and questioning them would put her father, with his dislike of such things, in no humor to receive Armadale's application indulgently.
Where is the fear of discovery? "I am actually suspected all over the neighborhood of intriguing to be mistress of Thorpe Ambrose. I am the only person who knows the real turn that Armadale's inclinations have taken. Not a creature but myself is as yet aware of his early morning meetings with Miss Milroy. If it is necessary to part them, I can do it at any moment by an anonymous line to the major.
"My dear Miss Milroy," she remonstrated, "there are certain distinctions to be observed. This gentleman is a friend of Mr. Armadale's. You could hardly express yourself more strongly if he was a perfect stranger." "I express my opinion," retorted Neelie, chafing under the satirically indulgent tone in which the governess addressed her. "It's a matter of taste, Miss Gwilt; and tastes differ."
He is determined to keep it side by side with that other paper which I had seen him take out of his pocket-book, and which contains the written narrative of Armadale's Dream. All I could do was to ask his leave to copy it; and this he granted readily. I wrote the copy in his presence; and I now place it here in my diary, to mark a day which is one of the memorable days in my life.
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