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Updated: June 19, 2025
Mountains seem to crush me and forests to stifle me. I must, at any cost, have the horizon stretching oat as far as the eye can see and skies to dream about. I wanted to go up the mountains, so that they should lose their crushing effect. And consequently we went up always higher and higher. Mamma used to stay at home with her sweet friend, Madame Guerard.
I slept very badly that night, and towards six in the morning I rushed up to Madame Guerard. I asked her to give me some laudanum, but she refused. When she saw that I really wanted it, the poor dear woman understood my design. "Well, then," I said, "swear by your children that you will not tell any one what I am going to do, and then I will not kill myself."
I used to send a letter to the Ministry, and I always won my cause. As I had a continual thirst for what was new, I now tried my hand at painting. I knew how to draw a little, and had a well-developed sense of colour. I first did two or three small pictures, then I undertook the portrait of my dear Guerard.
I do not believe there is a single one of his pupils, from the illustrious Marshal Canrobert down through my contemporaries, Excelmans, Bonie, Morny, Daumesnil, the Greffulhe brothers, Friant, Baudin, Valbezen, and many more, to the younger generation that came after me, who does not cherish the most grateful and affectionate feelings for the worthy Guerard.
I was pale and had grown thinner, and my eyes looked larger from my perpetual transports, for I went to extremes in everything. Baron Larrey, who came with my mother to my confirmation, asked for a month's holiday for me to recruit, and this was granted. Accordingly we started, my mother, Madame Guerard, her son Ernest, my sister Jeanne, and I, for Cauterets in the Pyrenees.
I went to all the bull-fights, and was infatuated with them. I had the honour of being invited to a great corrida given in honour of Victor Emmanuel, who was just then the guest of the Queen of Spain I forgot Paris, my sorrows, disappointments, ambitions and everything else, and I wanted to live in Spain. A telegram sent by Madame Guerard made me change all my plans.
Madame Guerard hurried away to the kitchen, and soon returned with a bowl of broth and pieces of toast. I placed the bowl on the little four-legged wooden shelf, which was so convenient for the meals of our poor sufferers. The wounded man looked up at me and said, "Barra." I did not understand, and he repeated, "Barra."
He got up, and, accompanying me to the door, said as I went away, "We shall succeed." I went back home and began at once to rehearse all my roles in Racine's plays. I waited very anxiously for several days, consoled by Madame Guerard, who succeeded in restoring my confidence. Finally I received a letter, and went at once to the Ministry.
Louis went to admire my ornaments in this jeweller's show-cases under a blaze of light. Poor Madame Guerard, who also went to see them, came back horrified.
I sent word to Jarrett that I had seen quite enough of the regiment from the Custom-house, and I asked him to finish everything without me, as Madame Guerard would be there. During the next two days the Terrapin, the Seated Cow, and the Black Band made notes for the Custom-house, took sketches for the papers and patterns of my dresses for customers.
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