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Updated: June 13, 2025
"'Caitiff! she cries to your butler;" his majesty went on, "'perjured knave, thou liest in thy throat! Gluckstein is a hundred leagues from here, and how sayest thou that thou slewest the monster, and camest hither in a few hours' space? This had not occurred to me, I am a plain king, but I at once saw the force of her majesty's argument.
It was delicate work, let me tell you, turning down folks that wanted to sing patriotic songs or recite war poetry that would be sure to start something, with Professor Gluckstein wishing to get up and tell how the cowardly British had left the crew of a German submarine to perish after shooting it up when it was only trying to sink their cruiser by fair and lawful methods; and Henry Lehman wanting to read a piece from a German newspaper about how the United States was a nation of vile money-grubbers that would sell ammunition to the enemy just because they had the ships to take it away, and wouldn't sell a dollar's worth to the Fatherland, showing we had been bought up by British gold and so on.
"Name them!" said the king. "Let me be transported to Gluckstein, left there unguarded, and if, in three days, I do not return with my brothers safe and well, your majesty shall be spared a cruel duty. Prigio of Pantouflia will perish by his own hand." The king, whose mind did not work very quickly, took some minutes to think over it.
Yet he had a pair on at that very moment, and it was they which had carried him in three strides from the palace to Gluckstein! The truth is, that the prince, in looking about the palace for clothes, had found his way into that very old lumber-room where the magical gifts of the fairies had been thrown by his clever mother, who did not believe in them. But this, of course, the prince did not know.
Had the dear great oracle been named Boswell, and had the sitter-at-his-feet been named Johnson, would the two names seem to us less appropriate than they do? Should we suffer any greater loss than if Salmon were Gluckstein, and Gluckstein Salmon? Finally, take a case in which the same name was borne by two very different characters.
Professor Gluckstein and his son Rudolph played the "Star-Spangled Banner" on the piano and fiddle during this feature. Then little Magnesia Waterman, dressed to represent the Queen of Sheba, come forward and sung the song we'd picked out for her, with the people joining in the chorus: We're for you, Woodrow Wilson, One Hundred Million Strong!
But, then, the town was twenty-one leagues away sixty-three long miles! No sooner had the prince said this, and taken just three steps, than he found himself at the door of the "Bear Inn" at Gluckstein! "This is the most extraordinary dream," said he to himself; for he was far too clever, of course, to believe in seven-league boots.
Rather a neat thing; drew it up myself," added his majesty. "Very much to the point," said the ambassador, wondering what the king was coming to. "Glad you like it," said the king, much pleased. "Well, where was I? Oh, yes; your man said he had killed the creature in a garden, quite near Gluckstein.
Next door in the place of Rumbold's was a branch of the Colonial Tea Company, and then a Salmon and Gluckstein Tobacco Shop, and then a little shop that displayed sweets and professed a "Tea Room Upstairs." He considered this as a possible place in which to prosecute enquiries about his lost wife, wavering a little between it and the God's Providence Inn down the street.
Moses Gluckstein, a city gent and very pleasant and fond of sparrowgrass and chokes, and 'e cut in there 'adn't been no customers for days and began to talk very fast, offerin' me for anything I 'ad, anything, petaties or anything, its weight in gold. 'E said it was a little speculation 'e wanted to try.
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