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Updated: May 7, 2025
On reading over this page, I observe that I have made a wide digression from my subject... But what matter?... You see, it is for myself that I am writing this diary, and, consequently anything that I jot down in it will in time be a valuable reminiscence for me. Grushnitski has called to see me to-day. He flung himself upon my neck; he has been promoted to be an officer. We drank champagne.
In truth, I am unable to say, all the more so because she is the only woman who has understood me perfectly, with all my petty weaknesses and evil passions... Can it be that wickedness is so attractive?... Grushnitski and I left the house together. In the street he took my arm, and, after a long silence, said: "Well?" "You are a fool," I should have liked to answer.
"Confess now," I said to Princess Mary: "that although he has always been most ridiculous, yet not so long ago he seemed to you to be interesting... in the grey cloak?"... She cast her eyes down and made no reply. Grushnitski followed the Princess about during the whole evening and danced either with her or vis-a-vis.
Suddenly he dropped the muzzle of the pistol and, pale as a sheet, turned to his second. "I cannot," he said in a hollow voice. "Coward!" answered the captain. A shot rang out. The bullet grazed my knee. Involuntarily I took a few paces forward in order to get away from the edge as quickly as possible. "Well, my dear Grushnitski, it is a pity that you have missed!" said the captain.
The public assembled before the stroke of nine. The performance began. On the back rows of chairs I recognized Vera's and Princess Ligovski's menservants and maids. They were all there, every single one. Grushnitski, with his lorgnette, was sitting in the front row, and the conjurer had recourse to him every time he needed a handkerchief, a watch, a ring and so forth.
He was a witness of your quarrel with Grushnitski in the restaurant. I have come to warn you. Good-bye. Maybe we shall not meet again: you will be banished somewhere." He stopped on the threshold; he would gladly have pressed my hand... and, had I shown the slightest desire to embrace him, he would have thrown himself upon my neck; but I remained cold as a rock and he left the room.
I placed myself in the corner of the ledge, planting my left foot firmly against the rock and bending slightly forward, so that, in case of a slight wound, I might not fall over backwards. Grushnitski placed himself opposite me and, at a given signal, began to raise his pistol. His knees shook. He aimed right at my forehead... Unutterable fury began to seethe within my breast.
"You have won the wager, but not quite," he said, with a malignant smile. The mazurka began. Grushnitski chose no one but the Princess, other cavaliers chose her every minute: obviously a conspiracy against me all the better! She wants to talk to me, they are preventing her she will want to twice as much. I squeezed her hand once or twice; the second time she drew it away without saying a word.
"You will spoil everything. You have given me your word not to interfere... What does it matter to you? Perhaps I wish to be killed"... He looked at me in astonishment. "Oh, that is another thing!... Only do not complain of me in the other world"... Meanwhile the captain had loaded his pistols and given one to Grushnitski, after whispering something to him with a smile; the other he gave to me.
Grushnitski goes about with dishevelled locks, and wears an appearance of despair: he is evidently afflicted, as a matter of fact; his vanity especially has been injured. But, you see, there are some people in whom even despair is diverting!... On my way home I noticed that something was lacking. I have not seen her! She is ill!
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