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Updated: May 16, 2025


Why do I say "existence", and not "existences"? Why, with a fine handsome plural ready to hand, do I wind you up and turn you off, so to speak, with a piffling little singular not fit for a half-starved newspaper fellow, let alone a fine, full-fledged, intellectual and well-read vegetarian and teetotaller who writes in the reviews? Eh?

Jack Martin became a convinced teetotaller and vegetarian. Jem Ward, the Black Diamond, developed considerable powers as an artist. Cribb, Spring, Langan, and many others, were successful publicans. Strangest of all, perhaps, was Broughton, who spent his old age haunting every sale of old pictures and bric-a-brac.

"That's a bit orkard," ses Sam, scratching his 'ead. "Same time, it don't do to throw away a chance. If 'e was my uncle I should pretend to be a teetotaller while 'e was here, just to please 'im." "And when you felt like a drink, Peter," ses Ginger, "me and Sam would look arter 'im while you slipped off to get it." "He could 'ave the room below us," ses Sam. "It is empty." Peter gave a sniff.

Dealing with a man, said the night-watchman, thoughtfully, is as easy as a teetotaller walking along a nice wide pavement; dealing with a woman is like the same teetotaller, arter four or five whiskies, trying to get up a step that ain't there.

Yet, tired as I was, I stepped out into the camel market for a moment before going into the house, emptied my lungs, and slowly filled them. "'What air! I said to Marnier, who had followed me. "'It is extraordinary, he answered in his rather dry tenor voice. 'I should say like the best champagne, if I did not happen to be a teetotaller.

Here is the test of faith will you do your duty with all your might at any cost of goods or reputation either in this world or beyond the grave? If you will- -well, the chances are 100 to 1 that you will become a faddist, a vegetarian and a teetotaller. And suppose you escape this pit-fall too. Why should you try to be so much better than your neighbours?

He took it with a leer of satisfaction, and remarked, that he was sorry I was a teetotaller, for he would like to stand treat! Just before the menagerie left New York, I had paid $150 for a new hunting-suit, made of beaver-skins similar to the one which Adams had worn.

In my own piece, which followed, Robina and Bute played a young married couple who do not know how to quarrel. It has always struck me how much more satisfactorily people quarrel on the stage than in real life. On the stage the man, having made up his mind to have it out, enters and closes the door. He lights a cigarette; if not a teetotaller mixes himself a brandy-and-soda.

The Pope disturbs his dreams by night and stalks across his speeches by day; and there is a general impression about him that he is resolved, some time or other, to walk through a good large stream of Papist blood. He is also a violent teetotaller; and is so strong on this point that he is ready to shake hands, even with the deadliest Irish opponent, across the back of a Sunday Closing Bill.

Hence his ridiculous exhibitions of himself in every manner that could attract notice, or throw little Toal into the shade; and hence also the still more senseless determination not to work for any but a Teetotaller; for in this, too, Toal had set him the example.

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