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'Look here, says he, 'ye pizenous riptile, he says, 'if ye don't lave me counthryman out iv th' bull-pen in fifteen minyits be th' watch, he says, 'I'll take ye be th' hair iv th' head an' pull ye fr'm th' corner iv Halsted Sthreet to th' r-red bridge, he says. 'Lave us debate this, says Blanco. 'I'll debate nawthin', says Fitz. 'Hurry up, or I'll give ye a slap, he says.
'Hum, he says, holdin' ye'er wrist an' bowin' through th' window to a frind iv his on a sthreet car. 'Does that hurt? he says, stabbin' ye with his thumbs in th' suburbs iv th' pain. 'Ye know it does, says ye with a groan. 'Don't do that again. Ye scratched me. He hurls ye'er wrist back at ye an' stands at th' window lookin' out at th' firemen acrost th' sthreet playin' dominoes.
'But there's wan thing missin' fr'm Molly's playing', he says. 'And what may that be? says Mrs. Donahue. 'An ax, says Slavin, backin' out. "So Donahue has took to dhrink." "Jawn," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis a gr-reat thing to be a polisman. Me frind Doheny, what used to be at Deerin' Sthreet, have got on th' crossin' an' they've planted him down be th' Audjitooroom.
'Mind ye, he says, 'mind ye, he says, ''tis our jooty to be frindly with th' Germans, he says. 'I'm now on me way f'r to organize a camp iv me Dutch frinds down be th' slough, he says. An' off he goes. "'Twas not long afther whin I heerd a man singin' 'Th' Wearin' iv th' Green' down th' sthreet, an' in come Schwartzmeister. 'Faugh a ballagh, says he, meanin' to be polite.
'I've on'y had twinty so far, an' I'm gettin' scrivener's palsy, he says. 'But befure I go, he says, 'I bet ye eight millyon yens, or three dollars an' eighty-four cints iv ye'er money, that ye can't pick out th' shell this here pea is undher, he says. An' they set down to a game iv what is known at Peking as diplomacy, Hinnissy, but on Randolph sthreet viadock is called the double dirty."
In th' plays nowadays th' hero is more iv a villain thin th' villain himsilf. He's th' sort iv a man that we used to heave pavin' shtones at whin he come out iv th' stage dure iv th' Halsted Sthreet Opry House. To be a hero ye've first got to be an Englishman, an' as if that wasn't bad enough ye've got to have committed as many crimes as th' late H. H. Holmes.
Th' other mornin' I was readin' th' pa-apers about th' panic in Wall Sthreet an' though I've niver seen annything all me life but wan continyal panic I felt low in me mind ontil I looked up an' see ye go by with ye'er shovel on ye'er shouldher an' me heart leaped up. I wanted to rush to th' tillygraft office and wire me frind J. Pierpont Morgan: 'Don't be downcast. It's all right.
I can holler to anny man fr'm th' top iv a buildin' an' make him tur-rn r-round, but if I come down to th' sthreet where he can see I aint anny bigger thin he is, an' holler at him, 'tis twinty to wan if he tur-rns r-round he'll hit me in th' eye. We have a servant girl problem because, Hinnissy, it isn't manny years since we first begun to have servant girls. But I hope Congress'll take it up.
I heerd him gradyooate an' his composition was so fine very few cud make out what he meant. "I met him on th' sthreet wan day afther he got out iv school.
'Twas written by a frind, so ye can see it wasn't prejudiced wan way or another. 'At this time, says the book, 'an ivint happened that was destined to change th' whole coorse iv our hero's life. Wan day, while in a sthreet car, where he lay dozin' fr'm dhrink, he awoke to see a beautiful woman thryin' to find a nickel in a powder puff.
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