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Updated: June 7, 2025
Heavens! thou art a strange creature, Slawkenbergius! what a whimsical view of the involutions of the heart of woman hast thou opened! how this can ever be translated, and yet if this specimen of Slawkenbergius's tales, and the exquisitiveness of his moral, should please the world translated shall a couple of volumes be.
Of all the perplexities a mortal author was ever seen in this certainly is the greatest, for I have Hafen Slawkenbergius's folio, Sir, to finish a dialogue between my father and my uncle Toby, upon the solution of Prignitz, Scroderus, Ambrose Paraeus, Panocrates, and Grangousier to relate a tale out of Slawkenbergius to translate, and all this in five minutes less than no time at all; such a head! would to Heaven my enemies only saw the inside of it!
Ode. Harsh and untuneful are the notes of love, Unless my Julia strikes the key, Her hand alone can touch the part, Whose dulcet movement charms the heart, And governs all the man with sympathetick sway. 2d. O Julia! The lines were very natural for they were nothing at all to the purpose, says Slawkenbergius, and 'tis a pity there were no more of them; but whether it was that Seig.
Alas! alas! cries Slawkenbergius, 'twas not the French, 'twas Curiosity pushed them open The French indeed, who are ever upon the catch, when they saw the Strasburgers, men, women and children, all marched out to follow the stranger's nose each man followed his own, and marched in.
I am not such a bigot to Slawkenbergius as my father; there is a fund in him, no doubt: but in my opinion, the best, I don't say the most profitable, but the most amusing part of Hafen Slawkenbergius, is his tales and, considering he was a German, many of them told not without fancy: these take up his second book, containing nearly one half of his folio, and are comprehended in ten decads, each decad containing ten tales Philosophy is not built upon tales; and therefore 'twas certainly wrong in Slawkenbergius to send them into the world by that name! there are a few of them in his eighth, ninth, and tenth decads, which I own seem rather playful and sportive, than speculative but in general they are to be looked upon by the learned as a detail of so many independent facts, all of them turning round somehow or other upon the main hinges of his subject, and added to his work as so many illustrations upon the doctrines of noses.
And to do justice to Slawkenbergius, he has entered the list with a stronger lance, and taken a much larger career in it than any one man who had ever entered it before him and indeed, in many respects, deserves to be en-nich'd as a prototype for all writers, of voluminous works at least, to model their books by for he has taken in, Sir, the whole subject examined every part of it dialectically then brought it into full day; dilucidating it with all the light which either the collision of his own natural parts could strike or the profoundest knowledge of the sciences had impowered him to cast upon it collating, collecting, and compiling begging, borrowing, and stealing, as he went along, all that had been wrote or wrangled thereupon in the schools and porticos of the learned: so that Slawkenbergius his book may properly be considered, not only as a model but as a thorough-stitched Digest and regular institute of noses, comprehending in it all that is or can be needful to be known about them.
Now give me all the help you can. The imagery under which Slawkenbergius impresses this upon the reader's fancy, in the beginning of his third Decad, is so ludicrous, that the honour I bear the sex, will not suffer me to quote it otherwise it is not destitute of humour. 'I have nothing, good Lady, but empty bottles; says the asse. 'I'm loaded with tripes; says the second.
A treasure therefore was he indeed! an institute of all that was necessary to be known of noses, and every thing else at matin, noon, and vespers was Hafen Slawkenbergius his recreation and delight: 'twas for ever in his hands you would have sworn, Sir, it had been a canon's prayer-book so worn, so glazed, so contrited and attrited was it with fingers and with thumbs in all its parts, from one end even unto the other.
When alas! an event was prepared for them, of all other, the most grievous that could befal a free people. As this revolution of the Strasburgers affairs is often spoken of, and little understood, I will, in ten words, says Slawkenbergius, give the world an explanation of it, and with it put an end to my tale. Every body knows of the grand system of Universal Monarchy, wrote by order of Mons.
'Twas no inconsistent part of my uncle Toby's character that he feared God, and reverenced religion. What is become of my wife's thread-paper? No matter as an appendage to seamstressy, the thread-paper might be of some consequence to my mother of none to my father, as a mark in Slawkenbergius.
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