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Updated: May 25, 2025
Just as criminals in Germany are teased, and watched, and cross-examined, year after year, incessantly, into a sort of madness; and worn out with the suspense, the iteration, the self-restraint, and insupportable fatigue, they at last cut all short, accuse themselves, and go infinitely relieved to the scaffold you may guess, then, for me, nervous, self-diffident, and alone, how intense was the comfort of knowing that Dudley was actually married, and the harrowing importunity which had just commenced for ever silenced.
I am an old man, and have studied the scriptures twenty or thirty years; yea, I may say more or less from my youth up; I find it the best way of study, to compare scripture with scripture; to consider the preceding and following context; to be self-diffident; and to be much in prayer, that it would please God, by his holy spirit, to lead and guide us into all necessary truth; and I do not think it amiss to use sound authors, for as we are in some measure dependant on one another for temporal, so I think we may, under God, be for spiritual assistance; though by no means to put our trust in an arm of flesh.
As he did so his hands, as small and brown as the claws of a bird, shook a little, and his head, bent down, looked like an Easter egg in plush. Still smoking, he looked me in the eyes with a self-diffident frown, and muttered: "Only through the labour of man does the earth attain development.
Add to this, what I have observed before, that he was not a man fond of the display of intellect, nor one that brought to the discussions of wisdom the artillery of wit. He was grave, humble, and self-diffident, beyond all beings. I would have given a kingdom to have found something in the advocate by which I could have condemned the cause: I could not, and I was wretched.
"But the fearful," who dread suffering or reproach for the cause of Christ, not the self-diffident who loves his Captain, but the coward or deserter, who "turns back in the day of battle," who fears the enemy more than his Captain: "and unbelieving," not the misbelieving, as Thomas; nor the weak in faith, but such as have no faith, infidels; "the abominable," defiling the flesh as Sodomites: "murderers," suicides, duelists, assassins, burglars, etc., "whoremongers," adulterers, fornicators: "sorcerers," necromancers, spiritualists, who are the devil's prophets, pretending to new revelations, "and all liars," perjured persons, deceivers, hypocrites, false teachers, who handle the word of the Lord deceitfully, for filthy lucre's sake, all such shall have their part in the lake, with the devil, the beast, and the false prophet.
Add to this, what I have observed before, that he was not a man fond of the display of intellect, nor one that brought to the discussions of wisdom the artillery of wit. He was grave, humble, and self-diffident, beyond all beings. I would have given a kingdom to have found something in the advocate by which I could have condemned the cause: I could not, and I was wretched.
Poor Robinson, thinking, and not without sufficient ground, that he had not a ghost of a chance, determined to save himself from further annoyance; and then Norman, put utterly out of conceit with himself by what he deemed the insufficiency of his answers, did the same. He had become low in spirits, unhappy in temperament, and self-diffident to a painful degree.
The rider of that horse may not be the guide that you would select. But some human guide you must select. Not at first will you, not at first does any man, choose for himself with serene precision of confident judgment the line which he will take. You will be flurried, anxious, self-diffident, conscious of your own ignorance, and desirous of a leader.
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