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Updated: May 17, 2025
"Not maining to make little ov the claret, your Holiness," says his Riv'rence, "I would prefir some hot wather and sugar, wid a glass ov spirits through it, if convanient." "Hand me over the bottle of brandy," says the Pope to his head butler, "and fetch up the materi'ls," says he. "Ah, then, your Holiness," says his Riv'rence, mighty eager, "maybe you'd have a dhrop ov the native in your cellar?
"Don't stop me, betwixt my premises and my conclusion," says his Riv'rence: "Ergo, this glass ov whiskey is less nor nothing; and for that raison I see no harm in life in adding it to the contents ov the same jug, just by way ov a frost-nail."
"O musha, Masther Phil agrah! but this will be the great day intirely, when I send off the news, which I would, barrin' I can't write, to the lady your mother and your sisters at Castle Fogarty; and 'tis his Riv'rence Father Luke will jump for joy thin, when he reads the letther!
And aren't I ready to go down on my two knees this blessed minit and beg your apostolical pardon for every word that I said to your displasement?" "Are you in arnest that it is in fun you wer?" says the Pope. "May I never die if I aren't," says his Riv'rence. "It was all to provoke your Holiness to commit a brache ov the Latin, that I tuck the small liberties I did," says he.
"Ho, ho, ho!" says the Pope, grabbing up his box, "si inquinavisses meam pyxidem, excimnicari debuisses Hillo, Anthony," says he to his head butler, "fetch Misther Maguire a " "You spoke first!" says his Riv'rence, jumping off his sate, "you spoke first in the vernacular! I take Misther Anthony to witness," says he.
"But the sperets can't get out on account ov the accidents that's stuck in the neck ov the bottle," says his Riv'rence. "Accident ought to be passable to sperit," says the Pope, "and that makes me suspect that the reality ov the cork's in it afther all." "That's a barony-masia," says his Riv'rence, "and I'm not bound to answer it.
"Would you have me doubt the evidence ov my sinses?" says the Pope; "would you have me doubt the testimony of my eyes and ears?" says he. "Indeed I would so," says his Riv'rence, "if they pretend to have informed your Holiness ov any sich foolishness."
"Dandæus, dandæus verbum erat," says his Riv'rence, O, the dear man, but it's himself that was handy ever and always at getting out ov a hobble, "dandæus verbum erat," says he, "quod dicturus eram, cum me intherpillavisti." "Ast ego dico," says the Pope very sharp, "quod verbum erat dandy." "Per tibicinem qui coram Mose modulatus est," says his Riv'rence, "id flagellat mundum!
"Why, then, you poor simpleton," says his Riv'rence, "don't you persave that forbye the advantage the gandher 'ud have in the length ov his neck, it 'ud be next to empossible for the turkey-cock lying thataway to see what he was about, by rason ov his djollars and other accouthrements hanging back over his eyes? The one about as big a bounce as the other!
"How durst you call me a swaddler, sir?" says the Pope, forgetting, the dear man, the part that he was acting. "Don't think to bully me!" says his Riv'rence. "I always daar to spake the truth, and it's well known that you're nothing but a swaddling ould sent ov a saint," says he, never letting on to persave that his Holiness had forgot what they were agreed on.
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