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Updated: May 16, 2025
Thump thump thump obstreperated the abbess of Andouillets with the end of her gold-headed cane against the bottom of the calesh The old mule let a f... We are ruin'd and undone, my child, said the abbess to Margarita, we shall be here all night we shall be plunder'd we shall be ravished We shall be ravish'd, said Margarita, as sure as a gun.
Quicker still, cried Margarita. Fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou. Quicker still, cried Margarita. Bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou. Quicker still God preserve me; said the abbess They do not understand us, cried Margarita But the Devil does, said the abbess of Andouillets.
The abbess of Andouillets, supported by Margarita the novice, advanced slowly to the calesh, both clad in white, with their black rosaries hanging at their breasts I declare I am interested in this story, and wish I had been there.
As I went on thus, methought my chaise, the wreck of which look'd stately enough at the first, insensibly grew less and less in its size; the freshness of the painting was no more the gilding lost its lustre and the whole affair appeared so poor in my eyes so sorry! so contemptible! and, in a word, so much worse than the abbess of Andouillets' itself that I was just opening my mouth to give it to the devil when a pert vamping chaise-undertaker, stepping nimbly across the street, demanded if Monsieur would have his chaise refitted No, no, said I, shaking my head sideways Would Monsieur choose to sell it? rejoined the undertaker With all my soul, said I the iron work is worth forty livres and the glasses worth forty more and the leather you may take to live on.
How strange, then, that, with so keen an eye for the humorous, so sound and true a judgment in the highest qualities of humour, Sterne should think it possible for any one who has outgrown what may be called the dirty stage of boyhood to smile at the story which begins a few chapters afterwards that of the Abbess and Novice of the Convent of Andouillets!
The carpenter and the smith of Andouillets held a council of wheels; and by seven, the morning after, all look'd spruce, and was ready at the gate of the convent for the hot-baths of Bourbon two rows of the unfortunate stood ready there an hour before.
The muleteer, as I told you, was a little, joyous, chirping fellow, who thought not of to-morrow, nor of what had gone before, or what was to follow it, provided he got but his scantling of Burgundy, and a little chit-chat along with it; so entering into a long conversation, as how he was chief gardener to the convent of Andouillets, &c. &c. and out of friendship for the abbess and Mademoiselle Margarita, who was only in her noviciate, he had come along with them from the confines of Savoy, &c. &c. and as how she had got a white swelling by her devotions and what a nation of herbs he had procured to mollify her humours, &c. &c. and that if the waters of Bourbon did not mend that leg she might as well be lame of both &c. &c. &c.
They are words magic! cried the abbess in the utmost horror No; replied Margarita calmly but they are words sinful What are they? quoth the abbess, interrupting her: They are sinful in the first degree, answered Margarita, they are mortal and if we are ravished and die unabsolved of them, we shall both-but you may pronounce them to me, quoth the abbess of Andouillets They cannot, my dear mother, said the novice, be pronounced at all; they will make all the blood in one's body fly up into one's face But you may whisper them in my ear, quoth the abbess.
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