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Updated: June 2, 2025
"If you strike me I'll have you arrested," Judge Witberg threatened. "That is what I told Patsy," was the answer. "And do you know what he did when I told him that?" "No." "That!" And at the same moment Watson's right fist landed flush on Judge Witberg's nose, putting that legal gentleman over on his back on the grass. "Get up!" commanded Watson.
Sol Witberg would have bitten his bruised and swollen lip in chagrin, had it not hurt so much. But he contained himself and told a simple, straightforward, truthful story. "Your Honor," Watson said, "I would suggest that you ask him what he was doing on my premises." "A very good question. What were you doing, sir, on Mr. Watson's premises?" "I did not know they were his premises."
Witberg, claiming to be a judge and skilled in the practice of the law, and yet being guilty of such unlawyerlike conduct. Your manner, sir, and your methods, remind me of a shyster. This is a simple case of assault and battery. We are here to determine who struck the first blow, and we are not interested in your estimates of Mr. Watson's personal character. Proceed with your story."
"It has been my custom for many years, as a student of economics and sociology, to acquaint myself " But this was as far as Watson got. "We want none of your ologies here," snarled Judge Witberg. "It is a plain question. Answer it plainly. Is it true or not true that you were drunk? That is the gist of the question."
I was in danger of my life and was compelled to defend himself. That is all, Your Honor, though I must say, in conclusion, that I cannot get over my perplexity. Why did he say he was the Dodo? Why did he so wantonly attack me?" And thus was Sol Witberg given a liberal education in the art of perjury.
You see, when Iselmann was touring with his Yiddish troupe through Galicia, he had the idea of acquainting the Jewish masses with "Hamlet," and he asked me to make the Yiddish translation, as one great poet translating another and some of those almond-cakes, Witberg! Well, I started on the job, and then of course the discovery was inevitable.
"If you are a gentleman, get up that's what Patsy told me, you know." Judge Witberg declined to rise, and was dragged to his feet by the coat-collar, only to have one eye blacked and be put on his back again. After that it was a red Indian massacre. Judge Witberg was humanely and scientifically beaten up. His checks were boxed, his cars cuffed, and his face was rubbed in the turf.
'I discovered it for myself in writing this very play; but I cannot expect the world to admit it till the play is produced. 'How did you come to find it out yourself? asked Witberg, the young violinist, who was never sure whether he was guying the poet or sitting at his feet. 'It happened most naturally order me another cup of chocolate, Witberg.
There are no witnesses outside the two principals. Each claims the other committed the assault, and I have no legal way of determining the truth. But I have my private opinion, Mr. Witberg, and I would recommend that henceforth you keep off of Mr. Watson's premises and keep away from this section of the country " "This is an outrage!" Sol Witberg blurted out.
"Your Honor, as I have testified, I did not strike a blow." The Justice looked at Carter Watson's bruised and swollen visage, and turned to glare at Sol Witberg. "Look at that man's cheek!" he thundered. "If you did not strike a blow how comes it that he is so disfigured and injured?" "As I testified " "Be careful," the Justice warned. "I will be careful, sir. I will say nothing but the truth.
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