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Updated: June 19, 2025
If you need none, you are right to seek none, I dare say. But I need a God oh, I cannot tell how I need him, if he be to be found! and by the same reasoning I will give my life to the search for him. To the last I will go on seeking him, for if once I give in, and confess there is no God, I shall go mad mad, and perhaps kill somebody like poor Poldie. George, I have said my say.
Beyond the meadow stood the trees, with the park behind them. And yet further behind lay the hollow with the awful house in its bosom, its dismal haunted lake and its ruined garden. But nothing moved her. She could have walked over every room in that house without a single quaver of the praecordia. Poldie was dead, but was it not well?
Oh! oh! wouldn't it be grand? Wouldn't it be lovely to be at peace again, Poldie? If there should be somebody somewhere who could take this gnawing serpent from my heart!" She pulled wildly at her dress. "'Come unto me, he said, 'all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. That's what he said: oh! if it could be true!"
"What a wicked, selfish, bad sister, bad nurse, bad everything, I am, Poldie!" she said, her tone ascending the steps of vocal indignation as she spoke. "But shall I tell you" here she looked all about the chamber and into the dressing-room ere she proceeded "shall I tell you, Poldie, what it is that makes me so I don't know what? It is all the fault of the sermon I heard this morning.
They will think I have been " She checked herself. "And so you might be so might anyone," he cried, "so long as I am loose like the Rajah's man-eating horse. O God! It has come to this!" And he hid his face in his hands. "And then you see, my Poldie," Helen went on as calmly as she could, "they would come here and find us; and I don't know what might come next." "Yes, yes, Helen! Go, go directly.
O my God! my God!" cried the poor youth, and stared at his thin wasted hand, through which the light shone red, as at a conscious evil thing that had done the deed, and was still stained with its signs. "God CAN'T be very angry with you, Poldie," sobbed Helen, feeling about blindly in the dark forest of her thoughts for some herb of comfort, and offering any leaf upon which her hand fell first.
Perhaps we may be able to find a little one to buy, just big enough for us two; and you shall marry a nice native " Her forced gaiety gave way. She burst out weeping afresh, and throwing her arms round him, sobbed "Poldie, Poldie! you can pray: cry to God to help us somehow or other; and if there be no God to hear us, then let us die together. There are easy ways of it, Poldie."
Certainly he had always dreaded the place, but never a word of that sort had he said to her. Yet there was a shadow of possible comfort in the thought for, what if the whole thing should prove an hallucination! But whether real or not, she must have his story. "Come, dearest Poldie, darling brother!" she said, "you have not yet told me what it is. What is the terrible thing you have done?
I daresay it's nothing so very bad after all!" "There's the light coming!" he said, in a dull hollow voice, " The morning! always the morning coming again!" "No, no, dear Poldie!" she returned. "There is no window here at least it only looks on the back stair, high above heads; and the morning is a long way off." "How far?" he asked, staring in her eyes "twenty years? That was just when I was bom!
"Poldie, dear," she said, "be calm and reasonable, and I will do all I can for you. Here, take this. And now, answer me one question" "You won't give me up, Helen?" "No. I will not." "Swear it, Helen." "Ah, my poor Poldie! is it come to this between you and me?" "Swear it, Helen." "So help me God, I will not!" returned Helen, looking up.
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