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Updated: May 4, 2025


Feeling dimly, but sincerely, the epic march of the American pioneer I had tried to express it in an address which was in fact a sloppy poem. I should not like to have that manuscript printed precisely as it came from my pen, and a phonographic record of my voice would serve admirably as an instrument of blackmail.

This is a combination of my record machine, which will be of interest to your profession." Bobbie examined it closely, but could not divine its purpose. "It is the application of the phonographic record to the dictagraph, so that police and detective work can be absolutely recorded, without the shadow of a doubt remaining in the minds of a trial jury or judge. Maybe this is boring you?"

"Oh, yes, they are still taught; but as the pupils need them little after leaving school, or even in school, for that matter, all their text-books being phonographic, they usually keep the acquirements about as long as a college graduate does his Greek.

But in hollows below the level of the dirty cowfield, wandered over by evil-eyed buffaloes, and obscenely defiled by wild beasts of men, there stood here an arch, there a pillar, yonder a cluster of columns crowned by a bit of frieze; and yonder again, a fragment of temple, half-gorged by the façade of a hideous Renaissance church; then a height of vaulted brick-work, and, leading on to the Coliseum, another arch, and then incoherent columns overthrown and mixed with dilapidated walls mere phonographic consonants, dumbly representing the past, out of which all vocal glory had departed.

To write the word "laugh," the pen has to make FOURTEEN strokes. To write "laff," the pen has to make the SAME NUMBER of strokes no labor is saved to the penman. To write the same word with the phonographic alphabet, the pen has to make only THREE strokes. To write the word "highland," the pen has to make twenty-two strokes. To write "hyland," the pen has to make eighteen strokes.

Those who were invited were flattered, and those who were not called were grossly insulted and wondered what disqualified them. They danced the "tango," and the "bango," and the "flango," and all the "light fantastics" until their feet went on strike, and their ear drums had become phonographic and reproduced the music with a perpetual motion which could not be stopped.

Hardly could I endure it and grateful I was when I heard the line close. Even when he attempted vocables he had sounded quite like an inferior record on a phonographic machine. But I had heard enough to leave me aghast. Beyond doubt now the very worst had come upon our family. His lordship's tremendous sacrifice would have been all in vain. Marriage! The Honourable George was done for.

And then, "beauty is only skin-deep." Fantastically wrong! Some of it is not that; and, for the rest, is a woman like a toy balloon? just a surface? To hear that proverb from a man is to know him at once for a phonographic kind of fool.

For instance, all the textile fabrics on sale in the province were to be seen in one or other of two warehouses; all metals in sheets, blocks, and wires in another; in a third all finished metal-work, except writing materials; all writing, phonographic, and telegraphic conveniences in a fourth; all furs, feathers, and fabrics made from these in a fifth.

They are used, one at a time, as the machine is required, to take down or to render back a phonographic message. The recording tympanum, which is about the size of a crown-piece, is fitted with a mouthpiece, and when it is desired to record a sentence the spindle is started, and you speak into the mouthpiece.

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