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Mind you, he didn't open his eyes; just sat there, covered with carmine and soothin' syrup, rockin' backward and forrard and sneezin' like George Washington. There was somethin' kind of horrible about it. Me 'n' Hadds looked on petrified. "Then, 'Oh, my poor husband! What are they doin' to you? says a v'ice behind us, and the Majoress skipped across the floor and fell on the Major.
That's the word for it; she let go all holts an' dropped, gatherin' him up in her arms. "'What did you say, Willie? she asks. "'Hoor-rash-o! says the Major. 'A-kissh-uuu! ha-ha-hrrrum-pah! A-ketcheer! Aketcher-hisssh-hoor-rash-o! "Now, Hadds, when he see the lady weepin' that way, was all broke up. He didn't know about Keno's goblet full of whiskey, so he thought it was genuine emotion.
We heard him gallopin' up the board walk like he was needin' fresh air. We stood stock still for a matter of five seconds, I reckon; Hadds and me scart to move, and the Majoress with her brow wrinkled in thought.
"'Well, I guess you'll be amused for a while, thinks I. So I paid no more attention. "The next thing Hadds looks up. 'Here! he yells; 'drop that! That's chloroform, you bull-head! "The call come too late leastways, to work as intended. The Major dropped the bottle, but he also dropped himself, two shelves, and about six dozen glass jars of everything you ever heard of. Powers of darkness!
The Major used to corral everything he wanted and say, 'Charge it! two octaves below a bull's beller, Bein' a military person, he was fond of charges; me and Hadds, bein' plain civilians, weren't. We charged it and we charged it, but that there Major's defenses were impregnerville.
Besides, Hadds was foamin' so it was all I could do to keep him from goin' over and kickin' the Major, who still was oblivious to surroundings, and enwrapped in the gentle art of sneezin'. Then there come a fearful bump from outside. I knew by that a showcase was no more. "'Zeke! yells Hadds, 'think of somethin' before that woman has us all in.
So I flagged Hadds for help, and the two of us plied the lady with perfumery so fast that the Major couldn't get his oar in, at which he cut loose for himself, wanderin' around behind the counter, smellin' of every bottle on the shelves.
"'I gave her to there of whisky, says Keno, indicatin' about four Swede fingers on a water tumbler. 'Do you think that'll bring her to ? "'Like a bear trap, says I. 'Do you mean to say you sluiced that much raw jump-and-holler into a woman that can't stand uncooked water? Well, you are an allotropic modification of the genus jackass, like Hadds says of the Major. "Keno got purple in the face.
"'What ails you? says he, near cryin'. "'Hadds! I remonstrated to him, 'remember you're speakin' to a lady. "'Lady! yells Hadds. 'Lady! Look at the lump on my head! "It was at this unfortunate minute a young feller see fit to come into the store to buy some matches. He stopped a minute, as he took a general view.
"'Don't cry, ma'am, says he. ''Twill be all right in a minute. That red's nothin' but carmine and simple syrup it'll all come out in the wash, and sneezin's good for the man. "The Mayoress she rose and looked at Hadds. There was a glare in her eye more'n human. I read in a book once about the tremenjous dignity of the lady the trouble was all about.
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