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Updated: May 9, 2025
And I thought if there wuz a fire, and I wuz to be depictered in the newspapers as a-bein' rescued, I did feel a little pride in havin' a becomin' night-cap on, and not bein' engraved with a sheep's head on. Thinks'es I, the pictures in the newspapers are enough to bring on the cold chills onto anybody, even if took bareheaded, and what what would be the horror of 'em took in a sheep's head!
"What use would a yeller tarleton trimmed with red be to her after she is married, besides lookin' like fury now?" Says I, "Get a good, sensible dress, that will do some good after marriage, besides lookin' good now." Says I, "Marriage hain't exactly in real life like what it is depictered in novels. Life don't end there: folks have to live afterwards, and dress, and work."
Every seen and spot the human mind had ever conceived wuz here depictered. Every emotion man or woman ever felt, every inspiration that ever possessed their soul, every joy and every grief that ever lifted or bowed down their heads wuz here depictered.
And then, oh how vividly he depictered it, how he and every other male Methodist in the land loved wimmen too well, worshipped 'em too deeply to put such a wearin' job onto 'em. Oh how Josiah Allen soared up in eloquence. Submit shed tears, or, that is, I thought she did I see her wipe her eyes any way.
And then I hearn a sharp raspin' voice clost to me sayin': "Sir, I will thank you to onhand my wife!" I wouldn't hardly have knowed my pardner's voice, such burnin' anger showed in it and wuz depictered on his liniment as I turned round and faced him. And he went on: "Samantha, have I lived with you most a century to be deceived in you now?"
And by the time we reached Jonesville and he related that experience to the awe-struck neighbors it wuz a thrillin' and excitin' seen he depictered, and that tiny fishlet had growed, in the fertile sile of his warm imagination, to such a length, that I told him in confidence out to one side, that if I ever hearn him go on so agin about it, and if that fish kep' a growin' to that alarmin' extent, I should have to tell its exact length; it wuz jest as long as my middle finger, for I measured it on the boat, foreseein' trouble with him in this direction.
Mountain and valley, hill and dale, ocean and rivulet. Every phase of human joy and sorrow wuz depictered there, and every phase of peaceful and warlike life. It wuz a sight. If I could stayed there a year right in them walls I might have got round mebby and seen what I wanted to and as long as I wanted to.
How much money would he git? How much stock would he sell in that enterprise? How many men would he git to sail out with him on that voyage of Discovery? What would Vanderbilt and Russell Sage say to it? Why, they would say that the man wuz a fool, and that the only way to travel wuz on iron rails or steamships. They would say that there wuzn't any such land as he depictered.
"Or," says I, "he might be depictered as settin' on a judgment-seat, and wavin' off into prison an intelligent Christian woman, who had spent her whole noble, useful life in studyin' the laws of our nation, for darin' to think she had as much right under our Constitution, as a low, totally ignorant coot who would most likely think the franchise wus some sort of a meat-stew."
High-school pupils, Woman's Suffrage League, Woman's Social League, and all along the brilliant line each division dressed in beautiful costumes and carryin' their own gorgeous banners. And anon or oftener all along the long, long procession bands of music pealin' out high and sweet, as if the Spirit of Music, who is always depictered as a woman, was glad and proud to do honor to her own sect.
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