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Updated: June 24, 2025
There's Bernd, my beloved, my heart's own mate; and as I sat there dumb, and they all triumphed on with their self-congratulations and satisfactions, and Majestat this, and Deutschland that, for an awful moment my faith in Bernd himself began to shake.
Then he rings for an official, and says, "Let there be God"; and there is God. I'm not really being profane. It isn't really God at all I'm talking about. It's what German Authority finds convenient to turn on and off, according as it suits what it wishes to obtain. It isn't God. It's just a tap. Later. Bernd came to lunch, but also unfortunately so did his chief.
He came after me, to see that I was not further inconvenienced, he said, so I thought I'd tell him I was going to marry one of his fellow-officers. He changed completely then, when I told him Bernd's name and regiment, and was really polite and really saw that I wasn't further inconvenienced. Dear Bernd! Even just his name saves me.
I'm going to pack now, and write a letter to Bernd telling him about it, in case Helena should have a second unfortunate conviction that I'm not at home when he comes next. And I do try to be cheerful, little mother, and keep my soul from getting hurt, and when I'm at Frau Berg's I shall feel more normal again I expect.
"That can't be true," I exclaimed, exactly as one calls out quickly if one is suddenly struck. They all looked at me. Somehow I saw that they had known about it beforehand, and Bernd told me tonight it was the Graf who had drawn the authorities' attention to the desirability of having tongues like Kloster's on the side of the Hohenzollerns.
In my turn I said Nonsense, and laughed with that heavenly, glorious security one has when one has a lover. I expect there are some people who may be as Kloster says, but we're not like them, Bernd and I. We're not going to waste a minute.
And he was dumb. I can't get over it. I've not seen Bernd since, as he is frightfully busy and wasn't able to come yesterday at all, but he's coming to lunch today, and perhaps he'll be able to explain Kloster.
Suppose he played, out there in the dusk, with the stars and the water and the forest all round us, what would it be like? He got up without a word and went indoors. The Grafin looked uneasy. "I hope," she said to Frau Kloster, "my asking has not offended him?" But Bernd knew Bernd, still at that moment only Herr von Inster for me. "He is going to play," he said.
Your letters have been following me about, to Koseritz and to Frau Berg's, where of course you didn't know I wouldn't be. I went to Frau Berg's today and found your last two. I love you, my precious mother, and thank you for all your dearness and sweet unselfish understanding about Bernd and me. You have always been my closest, dearest friend, as well as my own darling mother.
We are engaged. I've hardly seen the others. They congratulated us quite politely. Kloster was very kind, but anxious lest I should let love, as he says, spoil art. We laughed at that. Bernd, who would have been a musician but for his family and his obligations, is going to be it vicariously through me. I shall work all the harder with him to help me.
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