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Updated: June 19, 2025
"'I'm glad to hear ye say that, says th' gin'ral, 'If ye didn't, I'd rayjooce ye to th' r-ranks to-morrah. I niver see th' man befure; an', be hivins, I don't want to see him again. But I have a letter here fr'm him, askin' me if he cud knock off wurruk at four o'clock to go to his aunt's fun'ral. "'Cap, says th' prisident, 'what ye got to say to this? Did ye write th' letter?
"But Simpson said he did not care to be a martyr. He said he was a retail grocer be pro-fissyon an' Hip Lung was a customer iv his, though he got most iv his vittles fr'm th' taxydermist up th' sthreet an' he thought he'd go around to-morrah an' concilyate him. So he wint away. "Hogan, d'ye mind, has a theery that it's all been up with us blondes since th' Jap'nese war. Hogan is a prophet.
Is this a fire 'r a dam livin' pitcher? I'll break ivry man iv eighteen, four, six, an' chem'cal five to-morrah mornin' befure breakfast." Oh, he says, bringin' his fist down, 'wan more, an' I'll quit. "An' he did, Jawn. Th' day th' Carpenter Brothers' box factory burnt. 'Twas wan iv thim big, fine-lookin' buildings that pious men built out iv celluloid an' plasther iv Paris.
Hullo, You-sir, joo know th' wuz gon-to be a race to-morrah? Myself. No. Who's gon-to run, 'n' wher's't gon-to be? The Port-chuck. Squire Mico 'n' Doctor Wiliams, round the brim o' your hat.
Ye needn't think I'm proud iv me business. I only took to it because I am too selfish to be a mechanic an' too tender-hearted to be a banker or a lawyer. No, sir, I wudden't care a sthraw if all th' dhrink in th' wurruld was dumped to-morrah into th' Atlantic Ocean, although f'r a week or two afther it was I'd have to get me a diving suit if I wanted to see annything iv me frinds.
'There are thirty-five precin'ts in this ward, says th' leader iv th' rayform ilimint. 'At this rate, I'm sure iv 440 meejority. Gossoon, he says, 'put a keg iv sherry wine on th' ice, he says. 'Well, he says, 'at last th' community is relieved fr'm misrule, he says. 'To-morrah I will start in arrangin' amindmints to th' tariff schedool an' th' ar-bitration threety, he says.
"Please, Mister," she entreated, "would you flop it over 'em, just once?" The pink man tossed it to her. "Take it along and, when you get it all snuffed up, give it back to the Dominie here for me." "Oh, gracious!" said the Orphan, incredulous at this bounty. "Can I have it till to-morrah?" "Sure! What's the big idea for to-morrow?" "I'm goin' to a funeral.
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