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Updated: May 25, 2025
Stand up there together now, you pair of young desperadoes, while the rest of the boys have dinner, which your diabolical conduct has so long delayed. Mr Smallpage, say grace, please."
The whole school, my new friend told me, was a sham, for, instead of there being some dozen of masters, as stated in the prospectus sent to Uncle George, there were only two besides "The Doctor" Mr Smallpage, the mathematical master, called by the boys "Smiley," on the lucus a non lucendo principle, I suppose, because his face ever bore an expression of gravity; and Monsieur Achile Phelan, professor of foreign languages and dancing, christened by Tom Larkyns "The Cobbler," on account of his teaching a certain number of extra-paying pupils how to "heel and toe."
He was evidently not greatly impressed with my proficiency; for, severely commenting on the ignorance I displayed for a boy of my age, he relegated me to the lowest class, under Mr Smallpage, or "Smiley," who set me tasks in spelling and the multiplication table, after which school regularly began for the rest.
"He is probably a defaulting bank cashier," said a Scotchman. "He looks very wild," said a New York mamma. "He looks very unhappy," said her daughter. "He is very well dressed," said her son, who got his clothes half yearly from Smallpage.
To tell the strict truth, these quarterly reports of Dr Hellyer in respect of my conduct were not wholly undeserved; for, with the exception of displaying a marked partiality for mathematics, which, fortunately for my subsequent knowledge of navigation, Mr Smallpage kindly fostered and encouraged to the best of his ability, my studies were terribly irksome to me, and my lessons being consequently neglected, led to my having impositions without number.
At the door of the dormitory stood a tall, cadaverous-looking man of some fifty years or thereabouts whom I had not before seen. To him Tom now briefly introduced me in the most laconic fashion. "New boy, Mr Smallpage," he said. "Oh, new boy Leigh, I suppose, eh?" replied this gentleman in an absent sort of way "Is he in your charge, Larkyns?"
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