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Updated: May 25, 2025
It was hardly conceivable that the hideous, dirty, bandy-legged, ragged creature, who looked down on the Bosjesman, and the well- made, smart fellow, with his fine eyes, jaunty red cap, and snow- white shirt and trousers, alert as the best German Kellner, were of the same blood; nothing but the colour was alike.
Now he was a wealthy man, but three years ago he had been in very low water. This discovery sent me to Twickenham again. I said nothing about Kellner having become a partner in Delverton Brothers'; I merely asked Southey whether he had satisfactorily accounted for his time on the fatal night. "Didn't I tell you?" said Southey. "Oh, yes, he had an absolute alibi; so had the youth Small.
And after searching the columns of her favorite "society" paper, she pointed to the following paragraph: "It is now known as a positive fact that the notorious Eric Haeberlein was actually in London last week in connection with the disgraceful Kellner business. ON DIT that he escaped detection through the instrumentality of one of the fair sex, whose audacity outweighed her modesty."
Sometimes he was half the night arguing with himself about the various prices and qualities of this useful article, but I did not understand enough of his blat deutsch to gather the drift of the argument. Mein Gott! Ich kann nicht schlafen!" Here he would jump up and shout "Kellner! Kellner! ein flask bier! sechs und zechzig zweimal acht und vierzig! Kellner, flask bier! Liebe Gott was ist das?
Your fertile brain must hold others." "Yes, one more, and two opinions which lead up to it," was the quick reply. Delverton laughed. "It is not so absurd as the others, I trust." "The two opinions may lead you to change your ideas concerning this mystery. First, I believe Kellner was made a partner because he knew too much."
And the air about me is full of "Kellner!" and "Zwei Seidel, bitte!" and "Wiener Roastbraten und Stangenspargel mit geschlagener Butter!" and "Zwei Seidel, bitte!" and "Junge Kohlrabi mit gebratenen Sardellenklopsen!" and "Zwei Seidel, bitte!" and "Sahnenfilets mit Schwenkkartoffeln!" and "Zwei Seidel, bitte!" and a thousand schmeckt's guts and a thousand prosits and "Zwei Seidel, bitte!"
After a little there came a rush of skirts, and Miss Kellner ran down the steps, dressed for the street. "Doris," he pleaded, "you must not go out now. Wait just a moment we'll find a way, and then I'll go with you." She tried to pass him, but his outstretched arms made her a prisoner. "Do I understand that you refuse to let me go?" she asked tensely. "Not like this," he replied.
You will find them in the rancid Tingel-Tangel, blaspheming the kellner because they can't get a highball. You will find them in the Nollendorfplatz gaping at the fairies. You will see them, green-skinned in the tyrannic light of early morning, battering at the iron grating of their hotel for the porter to open up and let them in.
And yet his face was as well known as that of any man in Pantouflia, for everybody had seen it, at least in pictures. He was so puzzled by not being attended to as usual, that he quite forgot to take off his cap. He sat down at the table, however, and shouted "Kellner!" at which all the waiters jumped, and looked round in every direction, but nobody came to him.
The Kellner and the barmaid whispered to each other outside the door their astonishment at such proceedings on the part of a Regius Professor of the ancient university of Kleinplatz. They had still more to whisper about afterwards, for the learned man cracked the Kellner's crown, and kissed the barmaid behind the kitchen door.
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